Newest jokes - Page 857

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break. The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.” The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”. The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.” The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.” The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tripoli!
Tripoli who?
Tripoli play!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tsongas!
Tsongas who?
Tsongas you're here, lets tell some Knock Knock
jokes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tuna!
Tuna who?
Tuna piano and it'll sound better!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tunis!
Tunis who?
Tunis company, three's a crowd!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Turin!
Turin who?
Turin to a vampire on Halloween!

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Halloween Jokes Vampire jokes

What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suск.What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo!What kind of instrument do you play on Halloween?
A Sроок-ulele.What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A Spoo-keyWhy do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love.How do vampires get around on Halloween?
In blood vesselsWhat did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?
Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.

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One-Liner Jokes Halloween Jokes Vampire jokes

What did the choir boy sing to the priest? Nothing his mouth was full.

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Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.

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Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

What does a cannibal call a pregnant person?
A kinder surprise

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Cannibal Jokes

People are like potatoes.
We may look different, but we all taste the same with a little ketchup.

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Cannibal Jokes

A 65 year old blonde has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes Baby Jokes

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sеx.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sеx maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have оrаl sеx now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

There once were two Irishmen named Раddy and Sean, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. …
…
As fate would have it, Sean would be the first to pass. …
…
Раddy, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. …
…
“Sean,” said Раddy, “can ye hear me?” …
…
Faintly, Sean replied, “Yes, Раddy, I can.”
Bashfully, Раddy started, “Do ye remember our pact, Sean?”
“Yes, I do, Раddy,” Sean strained.
“And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of Irish whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for going on 30 years now?” said Раddy.
“Yes Раddy, I do,” whispered Sean.
“It’s a very old bottle now, ye know,” urged Раddy.
“And what are ye gettin’ at, Раddy?” asked Sean, briskly.
“Well Sean, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Irish jokes Friendship Jokes

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary columnthat he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’
‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

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Irish jokes Friendship Jokes

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

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Office and Work Jokes Business jokes

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good I think," replied Jill. "But if I go to work there, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"

"No," replied Jill, "they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said, 'Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Business jokes

A man fell out of a tenth-story window.
He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him.
A cop walks over and says, "What happened?"
The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

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Jokes about Women Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes

Two old soldiers, Fred and Harry, are sitting in their club.
Harry turns to Fred and says, ‘When was the last time you made love to a woman?’
Fred thinks for a moment then says, ‘1947.’
‘Good heavens,’ says Harry.
‘That’s a very long time ago.’
‘Not reall

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Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Military Jokes

What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns?
A bull pull.

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Animal Jokes Military Jokes

Q: What do you call a fат black man laying down?
A: KitKat Chunky.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

Q: What do you use when white people tell you to erase their history?
A: White out.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes White people jokes

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

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Sex Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

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