Newest jokes - Page 879

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, “Do you think I’m sтuрid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”
I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”
He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

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One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra €50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest тiтs!

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes Boob Jokes

There was only 2 things I was good at in school... Maths.

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School Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

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Chocolate Jokes Philosophy Jokes

What do they do with blacks after they die? Gut them and use them as wetsuits.

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Black People Jokes

Ladies dating a short guy is fun until you can't find him at the club and you don't have taxi money to go home.

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Money jokes Love Jokes

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

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Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes

Ex: Gosh I hate you! Your soon fake. Ex boyfriend: Shut up at least my iPhone battery life is last longer than your fake relationship
Others: OHHHHHHHHH

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Insult Jokes Relationship Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes

Why do bugs hate the internet?
Because they always get caught.
Get it ?
Inter-net?

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Internet Jokes

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

What does my head and hеll have in common?
They both have demons in them

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Heaven And Hell Jokes

What do you call a ghosts fаrт?
A spirit bomb

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Fart Jokes

Our son was born deaf and blind.
We found it really hard breaking the news to him.

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News and Politics Jokes Disability Jokes

A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems. The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.

“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy… here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”

John agreed.

At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited. “I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.

“Great!” replied the counselor, “ And how’s your wife?”

John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes

After the defeat of Serena Williams by Kerber at the #AustralianOpen, Blacks have promised to boycott next year’s tournament.
Apparently, too many white players have won this year.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Boycott Jokes

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper

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Birthday Jokes

A Christian family was at a pet store when the owner suggested that they get a Bible Dog.
Family: Bible Dog?
Owner: Watch. Bible Dog pray! (Bible Dog starts praying.)

Owner: Bible Dog read! (Bible Dog starts reading scripture.)
Family: We'll take him.

One week later the family hosts a party. The family shows off the Bible Dog by doing the same tricks that the owner showed them. One of the guests say that's fine, but can he do normal tricks.

Family: Bible Dog sit! (Nothing happens.)
Family: Bible Dog come! (Nothing happens.)

Family: Bible Dog heel!
Bible Dog stands on his two feet and lays a hand on one of the family's head and says, "You've been saved!!!"

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Christian Jokes Dog jokes

After a long day of shooting hoops, blazing some blunts and checking out a couple large chocolate milkshakes, Leroy comes into his Section 8 pad where Sapphire says, “Baby ah has some good news! Today, little Tyrone turned 13 months old and he is talking! He said ‘Mother’ ! ” …
…
“How about dat, Sapphire! Li’l Tyrone has done learned half a word!”

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News and Politics Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Chocolate Jokes

I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.

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Beauty Jokes

How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies?
He ate his way out.

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Gross Jokes Baby Jokes

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