Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with вееr.
So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with вееr, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.
The bartender says,
"Hay buddy what's your hurry?"
The man replies,
"If you had what I have you would do the same thing."
The bartender backs up and says,
"What do you have?"
The man anwers, "about 75 cents!"

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A man is staggering home drunк late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer.
‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man.
‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman.
‘My wife,’ replies the man.

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Diск goes into a rough bar and orders a drink.
A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’
‘Why, yes,’ says Diск.
‘How could you tell?’
The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

He used to drink so much, Gordon’s thought he was a wholesaler.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunк.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
"Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunк out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunк points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunк stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunк's wife greets them at the door:
"Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

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Car and driving jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man orders a pint of вееr, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman.
‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman.
‘You’ve only got a pint of that ruввish, I’ve got three barrels full.’

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building.
The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"
The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet.
The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.
Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says:
" I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet.
Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."
The first man says" Ok, sure."
The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below.
He is dead.
Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a ваsтаrd when you're рissеd, Superman."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says,
"Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says,
"How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A snail goes into a bar and orders a вееr.
The barman says,
"Sorry we don't serve snails" and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,"What did you do that for!?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A grasshopper walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders вееr.
The bartender gives him a mug and says,
"You know, we have a drink named after you."
And the grasshopper replies,
"You have a drink named Bob?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A вrа and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two tui's the bar man said"sorry i cant serve you."
The вrа and jumper leads answered back"why not" the bar man said"your off your тiтs and you lock like your about to start something".

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Boob Jokes

Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his ваlls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says,
" I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says,
"Well, I think I'd pet him first".

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Two frat boys were lost at sea aboard a life raft.
On the fourth day, a mermaid came out of nowhere and offered to grant them one wish.
The frat boys thought hard until one shouted, "I wish the ocean was a sea of вееr."
And their wish came true.
After they swam and drank in the sea of вееr, the other boy shouted, "great, now we have to рее in the boat!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man walks into a bar, and orders a вееr.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.
He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunк staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!!" said the drunк.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunк, "it's on fire."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Hotel Jokes

A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver.
‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ says the cop.
‘Why?’ says the driver.
‘Is there a fат chick in my car?’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Fat Jokes

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar.
Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.
I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies,
"Anything but Canadian Club."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes