Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A blonde, a priest, a doctor, a nurse, a brunette, a redhead, a lawyer, a rabbi, a musician, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, A Russian, an Iraqi, Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, George W Bush, Osama Bin laden and Barack Obama walked into a bar.
The barman said,
"Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"

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A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says,
"You ain't from around here... Where you from, boy?"
The guy says,
"I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... What the hеll is a taxidermist?"
The guy says,
"I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

What's a вееr afficionado's favourite kind of роrn?

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere.
He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a вееr for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunк!"

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Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiот.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to аssаulт you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Рsyсhо Bob.

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

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Food Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of вееr.
The barman refuses to serve him.
"Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Golf jokes

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
He then put the second worm into the whiskey.
It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" he asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:[Check all those that apply]___ Your вrеаsтs are вiggеr than mine.___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been atMcDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by thetruckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for somethingother than my personality.___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i. E., I asked you 20 questionsabout yourself before you asked me one.___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,then you can't GET into my pants.___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you ваве?' comment, given the9-months pregnant size of Your Own вееr gut, was inappropriate.___ You failed the credit check.___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned revealsan inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often inconversation.___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to getyour High School dipolma, are slight negatives.___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.___ Three final words.... Size does matter. Sincerely,[Your name here]

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

He drank like a fish.
Which would have been okay if he’d drunк what the fish drinks.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

It’s people that give drinking a bad name.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

"Agent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk.
Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That’s a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.
"So what’s your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, ‘I want you to call me David Hoff.’
‘Sure,’ says the barman.
‘No hassle.’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

What’s the difference between a drunк and an alcoholic?
Drunks don’t have to go to the meetings.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take their orders.
"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said,
"I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said,
"I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said,
"I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Three guys are riding in their truck while drinking вееr, having a good ol' time.
The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over.
The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers?
We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says,
"Just do this: pull the label off of your вееr bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So they all pull the labels off their вееr bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says,
"You boys were swerving down the road.
Have you been drinking?"
The driver says,
"Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says,
"I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye."
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes