Animal Jokes

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

Two fleas were walking out of the cinema when they discovered it was raining hard.
"Shall we walk?" said one flea.
"No," said the other, " lets take a dog."

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Animal Jokes

What do you get when you try to cross one rooster with another rooster?
Two cross roosters!

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Animal Jokes

What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert.
What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
Best cheese to use to disguise a horse? Marscaponie.

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Animal Jokes

If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.

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Animal Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe put sunblock on my back?

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Animal Jokes Knock-knock jokes

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?
A flock of dead sheep.

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Animal Jokes

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he’s in for.
He answers, “My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I’ve been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?”
The first dog replies grimly, “I’m also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all.”
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he’s in for.
The third dog answers, “The reason I’m here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she веnт over. I couldn’t resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!”
“So I guess you’re also here to be put to sleep?” says the first dog.
The third dog answers, “Nope, I’m here to get my nails done.”

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Animal Jokes

An Alien, upon landing on earth, approached a bird on a branch. “Can you please direct me to a hotel?
The bird replied, “Cheep, cheep.”
“Well, it’d better be,” answered the alien. “It cost me a fortune to get here!”

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Animal Jokes Hotel Jokes

What do you call a female peacock? A peacunt.

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes

Two ducks were out on a lake, one was feeling happy and the other one was feeling upset. When the one duck asked the other duck:
"How was your anger therapy session?"
The other duck replied:
"He said I was in need of another session." The duck asked "Did you say anything to him to make him think that?" The other one said "All I said was that he was a quack."

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Animal Jokes

Have you heard about the amazing new chimpanzee diet for weight loss? All you have to do is eat 20 bananas a day and spend about 12 hours climbing trees.

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Animal Jokes

I think that a Koala should definitely be considered a bear instead of a Marsupial...
It certainly has all of the Koalafications.

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Animal Jokes

If you really think about it, a kangaroo is just a mixture of a T-Rex and a deer.

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Animal Jokes

A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked,
"Why bother me? "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead."
The reverend lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped. "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin."

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Animal Jokes

There were three pigs. The biggest pig went to the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it up and asked where the bathroom is. "Right over there," says the store clerk. Then, the middle pig went to the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it down and asked where the bathroom was too. "Right over there," said the store clerk. Finally, the littlest pig came in the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it all down. The store clerk asked," Aren't you gonna ask where the bathroom is?"
"Nope," said the little pig," Don't u remember I'm the one that wee wees all the way home."

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Animal Jokes

Careful! Angry dog in the backyard! Please do not crush him.

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Animal Jokes

What goes Maaaahh?
A scared cow

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Animal Jokes

I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.

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Animal Jokes Internet Jokes

The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra.

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Animal Jokes