Business jokes

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Question: What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Answer: Start off with a big one.

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Business jokes

We are interrupting our regularly scheduled jokes for today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

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Business jokes

So Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better. Bill Gates boast, " If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving v-32 instead of v-8, our cars would get 5000 miles to the gallon, the top speed would be mach seven. Anyway the sticker price for a car would be 50 dollars."
And which the GM replies,
" Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes 4 times a day!"

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Technology Jokes Business jokes

A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned. The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said,
"M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for. The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was. The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department".

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Business jokes

An Investment Broker asked his client if he wanted to get a hot tip and the client naturally said,
"Yes."
"Well, we heard that Colonel Sanders is buying out Schick razor company," said the broker.
Client:
"Are they going to change their name?"
Broker:
"I heard that they were going to call it Chicken-Schick"

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Business jokes

We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"
"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

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Business jokes

And how is your customer service”? Asked a skeptical customer to the used car dealer.
“Oh, that’s first class. Anybody who buys a car from us gets a free copy of the latest railroad train schedules!”

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Business jokes

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

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Business jokes Single People Jokes

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read:
"We give seven dollar hair cuts!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"We fix seven dollar hair cuts!"

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Business jokes

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

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Business jokes

“This little computer,” said the a sales clerk, “will do half your job for you.”
The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; “Fine, I’ take two.”

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Business jokes

A store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer.
"No sir,"said the salesman.” We haven't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll be getting any soon."
The manager was horrified and yelled after the departing customer,” Come back next week. We’re sure to have whatever it is you need."
Irate, he turned to his salesman,” Never tell a customer we're out of anything! NOW, WHAT DID HE WANT?"
"Rain,” answered the salesman.

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Business jokes

As a member of an Internet awareness survey team, we had visited a home. The unruly owner asked,
"Tell me the difference between washing machine & Internet?” When I was cursing my luck, my colleague answered, "The former washes your cloth and the later washes your brain."

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Business jokes Internet Jokes

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”

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Business jokes

What did the two businessmen say to each other as they closed a deal during an earthquake?
"Let's shake on it!"

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Business jokes

Hey did you hear?
U. P. S and Fed-EX are merging. There going to call it Fed-Up

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Business jokes

Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

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Business jokes

Did you hear about the problems in the Woodworkers Union?
A radical group broke off and formed a splinter group.

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Business jokes

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.
I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?"
She said,
"Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?"
I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

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Business jokes

To make something DIRT CHEAP, then make it out of CHEAP DIRT!

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Business jokes

The quiet employee asked his boss for Thursday off so he and his wife could celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.
His boss said,
"It's okay this time, but I don't intend to put up with this every twenty-five years."

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Business jokes

A businessman hailed a cab from his hotel and asked to be driven to the hospital about a mile away.
The cabby started driving but he was only going about 15 mph.
The passenger banged on the partition and said speed it up.
The cabby screamed hit the gas and plowed into a tree.
The passenger said what the heck is wrong with you?
This is my first day driving a cab.
I drove for a funeral home for 15 years and no one ever banged on my partition.
You scared the living-daylights out of me!

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Business jokes Hotel Jokes

Sign in a local business: GUARDED BY SHOTGUN
3 Nights A Week... YOU guess which three!

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Business jokes

Yesterday a group of IRS Agents came in and began collecting the ceiling tiles over my tax prep desk.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"This is where we've noticed your clients are finding there deductions! We will analyze them and get back to you."

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Business jokes