Christmas Jokes

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When the three kings came to visit newborn Jesus, one of them slipped on the straw and twisted his ankle. “Jesus Сhrisт!” he yelled in pain.
Mary looked questioningly at Joseph and said, “That actually sounds a lot better than Chester, doesn’t it?”

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Dad, and where is Santa from?”
“Well, judging by the majority of the gifts, I’d say he is from China.”

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I heard of a guy who shoplifted an Advent calendar. He got 24 days.

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What keeps falling but never gets hurt?
The snow.

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Two idiots roam the woods looking for a nice Christmas tree. After hours of freezing and chasing away the odd wolf, one of the them brings down the axe and says, “OK that’s it. I’m taking the next right-sized tree we see and I don’t give a dime if it’s decorated or not!”

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What does Santa say when he enters the toy workshop near Christmas?
Alright everybody, sacking time!

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Oh, by the way – the book I gave you for Christmas must be returned to the library next week.

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What goes oh-oh-oh? Santa doing the moonwalk.

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Santa has a good employment package. 1 month – Santa Claus, 11 months – Santa pause.

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All throughout the Christmas Eve and the silent wonders of the magical night, it is a happy Christmas. Then the kids barge into the living room in search of gifts and turn the season to a happy Christmess.

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Mum, are we going to have Grandpa Joe for Christmas?
No, darling, Just the turkey.

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Santa is with us throughout our lives, although his presence can be categorized in four main stages:
1. You are a believer in Santa.
2. You are not a believer in Santa.
3. You pretend to be Santa.
4. You look like Santa without even trying.

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What is a correct name for an old snowman? Puddle.

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Christmases are always quite hard on the turkeys, but at least they don’t go hungry. In fact, they are stuffed since morning!

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A boy is running around his yard in early December, chanting, “I SO WISH I GOT A NEW BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS!”
An elderly man watches him go on for a while, then comes over and says, “Son, what is this about, Santa ain’t deaf, you know?
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The little boy, out of breath, smiles, “He probably isn’t, but my auntie Jane is.”

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I heard elves love to sing when they work on children’s toys. They are very good wrappers.

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Walking down the street I wonder if at Christmas we celebrate the birth of Jesus, or of General Electric.

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Why would no bank ever give Santa a loan?
Because all his accounts are frozen.

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What’s the price of Santa's sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.

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What would you call an elf who is an excellent swimmer?
An elfin.

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