Criminal Jokes

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If you think things are bad in America now……..
Just wait till Trump watches The Purge.

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USA Jokes Criminal Jokes

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and everything in my wallet.
You won’t believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket

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Men jokes Criminal Jokes

A man was walking to steal something from a warehouse but the security guard heard footsteps and screamed "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" then he was surprised to hear a voice scream, "Shoot it i hate pop quizzes!"

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Men jokes Criminal Jokes

A judge convicted and sentenced a man to serve five consecutive life terms in prison. When the judge asked if there was anything he wanted to help pass the time, the man replied... A Perpetual Calendar!

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Men jokes Criminal Jokes

Spreading a woman’s legs is like spreading butter…
It can be done with a credit card fairly easily, but I prefer to use a knife.

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Jokes about Women Criminal Jokes

I would never pick up a male hitch-hiker; I just couldn’t trust him.
I would never pick up a female either; I just couldn’t trust myself.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Criminal Jokes

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside the kitchen, he finds a daughter, a mother, and a grandmother.
Convict:
“Now, I will tie everyone to the chairs”
Daughter:
“But not the grandmother!”
Convict:
“I said everyone!”
And so he ties them to their chairs.
Convict:
“Now, I will rip off everyone’s clothes!”
Daughter:
“But not the grandmother!”
Convict:
“I said everyone!”
And so he rips off their clothes.
Convict:
“Now, I will rаре everyone!”
Daughter:
“But not the grandmother!”
Grandmother:
“He said everyone!”

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Men jokes Criminal Jokes

Apparently, the average woman spends about 416hrs of her life searching through purses looking for their keys.
Well if that’s the case, how come it only takes them seconds to find their pepper spray?
I know that from experience.

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Jokes about Women Criminal Jokes

Since going to the local gym and building up some muscle, I’ve managed to sleep with some of the most beautiful women there, and I think I can put it down to my form.
Chloroform.

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Jokes about Women Criminal Jokes

Women deserve equal rights.
And lefts.

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Jokes about Women Criminal Jokes

I was on my way to a fancy dress party the other night when I spotted a woman being rареd.
As I stood there watching her get rареd, the woman screamed “why aren’t you doing something?”
“Because this is just a costume love, I’m not really batman.”

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Jokes about Women Criminal Jokes

Girls love surprises.
Girls love sеx.
So why is it that when both are combined they don’t love it nearly quite as much?

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Sex Jokes Criminal Jokes

A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky сunт managed to get in through the windscreen.

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Men jokes Criminal Jokes

“Don’t tell women how to dress, tell men not to rаре!”
“No one asks to be rареd!”
“Women can dress however they want!”
OK feminists.
I guess we should tell niggеrs not to attack me as I walk through Hackney, instead of asking me to take off my ККК robes, right?

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Criminal Jokes

I don’t talk during sеx.
My mum always said, never talk to strangers.

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Sex Jokes Criminal Jokes

A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.
The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

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Men jokes Criminal Jokes

I can’t believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended.
I mean, for fuск sake they visit her nearly every day and haven’t dropped in to see me once,
And my prison is on the way to her cemetery.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Criminal Jokes

This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain ‘spot’, and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you. It’s called the face.

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Jokes about Women Criminal Jokes

For me, having sеx is a lot like spreading butter on toast.
It’s possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

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Sex Jokes Criminal Jokes

What’s black and steals things?
A magpie, you racist ваsтаrds.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Criminal Jokes