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Disability Jokes

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I was out shopping with the wife the other day when i saw a group of young ladies all wearing mini skirts.
I said, “Ooh look at those legs, I bet you wish you had legs like them?”
She didn’t answer, but I think it upset her because I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.
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Disability Jokes
My Auntie has a son Steve with Tourette”s, I don”t see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said, “open the door, you сunт.”I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply. He said again, “open the fuскing door, you sтuрid сunт.” I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond, so just pretended I did not hear him say anything. He started getting agitated and piped up, “you useless сunт, open the fuскing door.”At which point, to my relief, my aunty came into the room and said, “don”t worry, dear, he”s just trying to tell you a knock-knock joke.”
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Knock-knock jokes Disability Jokes
On a blind date:
“Do you believe in love at first sight?”
“I’m over here.”
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Disability Jokes
I took a group of hunchbacks to watch a thriller at the cinema recently.
They were all on the edge of their seats.
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Disability Jokes
I’ve just bought that new book by Professor Stephen Hawking.
It’s called “Around the House in Eighty Days”
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Disability Jokes
Me and a mate were standing in a club. As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, “She’d get it. “She stopped and said, “How rude, you’ll never get it. “She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her, we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance!
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Disability Jokes
What is about being blind, that makes you want to take the dog for a walk every time ?
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Disability Jokes
I dated a girl in a wheelchair
She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, “why don’t you stand up for yourself?”
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Disability Jokes
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, why did that cross-eyed lady on the bus become so рissеd?
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Disability Jokes
What do you call an epileptic having a fit in a Deck-Chair?
A Transformer.
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Disability Jokes
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.
He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
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Disability Jokes
Honestly some folk will take offense at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning at the Bus Stop.
All I asked was “How you getting on?”
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Disability Jokes
Being a contortionist has its price… Example, my dog Rover. He licks his ваlls so much he has developed curvature of the spine.
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Disability Jokes
One day a girl comes up to her mom and asks her, “Mother, why did you name me Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head.”
Her second daughter comes up to her and asks, “Mother, why did you name me Daisy?”
“Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.”
The third daughter comes up to her and asks, “GHLSARGHLARGHLARG.”
“What did you say Brick?”
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Disability Jokes
The foot fetish
The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, “Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?”
“As a matter of fact,” smiled the girl, “I do happen to have a foot fetish - …
But I suppose I would settle for maybe seven or eight inches.”
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Disability Jokes
Siamese Twins walk into a bar and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Budweiser beers, draft please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on vacation yet, fellows?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country…the history, the вееr, the culture….”
“Nah, we don’t like that British сrар,” says John. “Hamburgers and Bud, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English - they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“Oh, it’s the only chance Jim gets to drive!”
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Disability Jokes
Just saw that advert where an athlete in a wheelchair says, “My arms are stronger than your legs!”
Doesn’t he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?
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Disability Jokes
Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.
Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shiт out of him.
Just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador as well.
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Disability Jokes
A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was, he said, “I am blind. Drop it on the ground and I’ll tell ya.” She dropped it on the ground. “Aahh that’s $10.00.” She веnт down and let out a big fаrт that everyone heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it. “That will be $20.00.”
“But you said $10.00.”
“$10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.”
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Disability Jokes
After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I’d need time off.
“You’re self-employed you sтuрid ваsтаrd,” I said.
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Disability Jokes
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress’ ok?”
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line…….
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
“You вlооdy fool!” he cried, “you’ve ruined me!”
The actor was bewildered, “what happened, did I forget my line?”
“No you sтuрid рriск!” screamed the director, “you forgot the fсuкing rose…”
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Disability Jokes
I got 69 problems.
My girlfriend is a мidgет.
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Disability Jokes
Did you see the paralympics last night ?
I watched the blind javelin final……. Carnage.
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Disability Jokes
I was thinking the other day … …
…
So I shouted, “Thomeone help! I can’t thwim!”
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Disability Jokes
How do deaf people tell the difference between someone coughing and someone mimicking a вlоwjов?
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Disability Jokes
My optician told me I was colour-blind yesterday.
That was a bolt from the yellow.
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Disability Jokes
Have you heard about the guy born with two left feet?
He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips…
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Disability Jokes
I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me. I couldn’t help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her раnтiеs to me.
She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.
I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.
As I got closer and could hear the panting get louder, I thought to myself, “I really wish her guide dog would fuск off!”
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Disability Jokes
Old dyslexic MacDonald had a farm, u o a e i
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Disability Jokes
How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?
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Disability Jokes
Was at the dentist today and it took almost an hour for me to be seen.
Why is the reception desk so fuскing high?
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Disability Jokes
I walked into an opticians.
I said, “Hello sir, I think I need some new glasses.”
She said, “I think you’re right.”
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Disability Jokes
What is a paraplegics favorite sport?
Drag racing
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Sports Jokes Disability Jokes
There’s a new night club opened near me but it’s for amputees only..
I’ve heard it’s crawling with fаnny….
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Disability Jokes
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