Medical and Doctor Jokes

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Yo mama so dumb she tried to get a iPhone from the eye doctor

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I was a doctor for a while but then I quit. I simply didn’t have enough patience.

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Dracula visits his doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m really worried. For a while now, there was no blood in my stool.”

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In a psychiatrist’s office:
A man comes in and says,
“Good day to you. I am King Arthur. I demand to Speak with the doctor.”
The nurse says wearily,
“You are not King Arthur, Mr. Crankleberry. Please sit down.”
Mr. Crankleberry exclaims,
“I am! It was God himself who told me I am King Arthur.”
Another patient stands up angrily,
“I certainly did not!”

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Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro...
Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro.
Alonzo:
"Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."
Pedro:
"Have you seen a psychologist yet?"
Alonzo:
"No, just blue elephants."

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I finally agreed to play doctor with my girlfriend...
Now she's suing me for performing a hysterectomy.

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A man goes to the proctologist
The doctor gave him a thumbs up.

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I realized the reason why i don't have any patience.
Because I am not a doctor.

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I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea.
He told me to take the spoon out.

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My doctor informed me today that I'm color blind. "Well," I said...
..."THAT certainly came out of the green!"

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At last, I finally got around to watching the new episode of "Doctor Who" ...
... it was about time.

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There was a business man that used to travel a lot
But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".

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My doctor said I should stop thinking so much, it's bad for my health and could damage my liver
He also say's I'm half deaf

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My doctor said no more drinking.
So I froze my alcohol into cubes and ate them.

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My doctor told me that I have syphillis, gonnorhea and chlamydia. On the positive side...
Hiv.

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Yesterday my doctor told me, "if you don´t stop drinking, you´ll die." I asked him why.
"Because thats my вееr."

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There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones,
But alas it twas in vein.

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Doctor, you have to help me! I see dead people...
Doctor: For the last time, you work in a morgue!

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Wife: Can my husband come in with me?
Wife: Can my husband come in with me?
Doctor: Don't worry I'm a respected doctor.
Wife: But my husband isn't, and he's staying out there alone with your secretary.

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A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor
Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.

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