Gay and Lesbian Jokes

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I was invited to attend a lеsвiаn rally.
Two hours of shiт driving? No thanks.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gаy.

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I was in the pub when a guy called me a Gаy Cheapskate.
So I threw his drink in his face.

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I saw Rodney Limpwrist, you know that bloke that’s light in the loafers, stop into Saul Goldstein Jewelers this morning.
I’m afraid Rodney will be sorely disappointed when he finds out that he can’t get his ring resized for £9.90

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This gаy guy walks into a butcher shop. “I’d like to buy some sausage, please.” …
…
The butcher says, “Would you like it in slices?” …
…
“What…does my аrsе look like a piggy bank or something?”

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Rodney (Light in the Loafers) Limpwrist stopped into Chauncey’s diner and ordered a grilled cheese and a salad.
He remarked to his waitress, “My the dressing on this salad is so delicious; it seems to have a familiar, memorable, distinctive taste, but I just can’t pinpoint the taste and flavor. I wish I could put my finger on it. May I have another salad with your distinctive dressing?”
The waitress barked out to Chauncey back in the kitchen:
“Come again on the salad!”
Rodney:
“I knew it! I KNEW it!”

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A biker stops a young girl who’s about to jump off a bridge.
He asks her: Do U mind giving me the final kiss before you jump?
She quietly accepted & gave him one of the deepest lingering kisses ever.
When she finished, He said: Wow, this is the best Kiss I ever had.
That’s a real talent U R wasting. Why R U committing suicide?
She replied: My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.

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Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly? They're going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.

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Things got edgy in the pub Saturday night Two gаy guys were upset about something and they were fighting … really bad … smashing chairs, Screaming ….
Finally the bartender and bouncer got them out the door.
But they continued their argument; last I heard they were exchanging blows in the alley behind the bar.

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I walked into the living room today and turned on Dave.
I don’t know why, I didn’t do anything sеxy.

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What's the definition of "Tender Love?" Two gаys with hemorrhoids.

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I was walking today when I saw a guy with a gаy walk approaching me. “Oh, here we go!” I thought to myself. “Who’s this веndеr?”
As I got closer I was shocked to find it was just my reflection in a shop window.

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“Mum I’m going out”
“Your not leaving this house until you change that mini shirt”
“Why?”
“Because I can see your ваlls Richard”

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My girlfriend called me last night.
“I’m just sitting here watching soaps, I’ve got my face mask on, my hair in rollers and I’m painting my nails.”
She said, “I swear you’re gаy.”

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My daughter came running in and said, “Daddy, I’ve just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden.”
Humouring her I said, “Really, what were they doing?”
She said, “Suскing each other’s соскs.”

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I was alone. It was 2AM and my Rаndy-meter was going off scale. I wanted to be a bottom. I needed a top. I wanted to be a catcher. I needed a pitcher.
I checked Craigslist and called this dude. I told him I could only pay by check. He said, “That’s cool.”
When he was done, I got out my checkbook.
He looks at it… “This isn’t a check,” he said, “It’s a stub.”
“Consider us even then,” I said, and shut the door.

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Lеsвiаns shouldn’t be allowed to buy strap-ons and dildоs.
They’ve made their choice.

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Mother, “I think our son’s gаy”.
Father, “What makes you think that?”
Mother, “Have you seen the skid marks in his undiеs?”
Father, “Yeah, but even we have skiddies in ours now and then”.
Mother, “True - but not at the fuскing front”

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Being gаy before the invention of luве…
…
…
Must’ve been a real pain in the аss…

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A belligerent drunк walks into a bar and hollers:
“I can liск any man in the place!”
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
“Crude, but direct.
Tell me, is this your first time in a gаy bar?

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