God Jokes

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1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - ‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - ‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snатсh this morning and it was amazing!’
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Соx of the Oxford crew.’
5. US PGA Commentator - ‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his ваlls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??’
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: ‘You’d eat веаvеr if you could get it.’
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ‘
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fаnny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fаnny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’
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Through some cosmic fluke, Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher and Mikhail Gorbachev all died on the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that these were all VIP’s, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
God, sitting on his throne, called to Reagan. “Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?”
“I tried to improve the US economy,” replied Reagan, “and I did my best to benefit the nation.”
“Very well, my son, come up and sit in the chair to my right.” And so Reagan sat at his right.
God then called up Gorbachev.
“Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?”
“I tried to make Soviet society more open,” replied Gorbachev, “and I did my best to improve the Soviet economy.”
“Very well, my son, come up and sit in the chair to my left.” And so Gorbachev sat at his left.
God then called up Thatcher.
“Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?”
“Only two things,” replied Thatcher. “First of all, I’m not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair?”
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A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How
Is your connection with God?"
And the man says,
"Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
Turns it back off."
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said,
"I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
Needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she says,
"That idiот, he's been рissing in the fridge!"
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There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Sатаn and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said,
"You won't believe what I heard. Sатаn and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said,
"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
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A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man, "This donkey has been trained in a very unique way. The only way to make the donkey go is to say Hallelujah, and the only way to make it stop is to say Amen."
The man immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" he shouted. And immediately the donkey began to trot. "Amen!" he shouted again, and the donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great," he said. With Hallelujah he rode off very proud of his purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "STOP!" he blurted, "HALT!" he blurted again. The donkey just kept going, "Oh no, Bible! Church! Please stop!" cried the man.
He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer, "Please, dear God, please make this donkey stop before i go off this mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN!"
The donkey came to an abrupt stop, just one step from the edge of the cliff. After a brief moment to catch his breath, the man joyously said,
"Hallelujah!"
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What seems to be your challenge Mr. Smith?
Well Doc, I’m a compulsive liar.
You’re telling the truth right now aren’t you!
No.
Mr. Smith one of your statements has to be the truth!
Not really!
And why not?
I’m omnipotent
So you have a God complex whereas anything is possible?
No, that’s my name.
Your parents named you omnipotent?!?!
No
Mr. Jones (skeptical voice)
What?
You’re not telling me the truth here!
That’s what I said in the first place Doc.
Yes, you did say that. When did you recognize that you’re a liar?
I’m not a liar.
Yes you are, you’ve been lying to me.
No I didn’t! I think you’re projecting. You’re the liar!
I’m the Doctor and you’re the liar.
I knew this was a waste of my time; I’m leaving! Good luck with your problem Doc!
Well at least you don’t hold grudges!
Yes I do! (As the door closes behind him).
Is it Friday yet?
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A young nun at a convent had one too many sеxuаl indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.
Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn’t know WHAT she should do with the baby.
If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.
Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother’s room in the pre-dawn hours.
She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap.
She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, “Oh, God! You can’t even trust your own finger any more!”
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This was one of my dad's favorite jokes:
Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said,
"Sure!"
As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said,
"Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."
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