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Why was there a special meeting over at the United Nations when your mom dropped the plate at Thanksgiving?
Because it meant that Turkey crashed, there was an uncontrolled territorial expansion of Greece and China totally shattered to pieces.

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We’ll we’ll we’ll, and if it isn’t the Autocorrect.

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It was a lovely day so I decided I’d try playing Frisbee with my dog at the park.
I really tried, for two hours at least, but there’s no arguing with physics. My dog would have to be much flatter for it to work.

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Went with my baby to the doctor. The doctor examined it and started mumbling that it doesn't look good. I was worried and asked him what was wrong with my baby. He said it’s totally fine, it just doesn't look good.

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The Boy Scouts called and said they cannot keep my son because he’s constantly lying and that goes against their core moral principles.
I told them they should give him a medal instead, because I never had children. I

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What is the difference between a German and a Sicilian insurance company?
In the German insurance company, they tell you with considerable precision how many people are going to die next year.
In the Sicilian one, they can even give you their names.

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A rushed tourist, panting loudly, covered in sweat, stops at a small house where an old guy sits in a rocking chair on the porch and asks him, “I’m sorry sir, can you tell me what’s the fastest way to get to the train station?”
“Ah yeah, no problem,” smiles the grandpa, “let me just untie the dogs.”

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Benedict Cumberbatch has a long one. Brad Pitt has a short one. Rihanna hasn’t got one at all. What is it?
A surname.

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How come there’s so much month left at the end of the money?

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Lenin has never been seen drinking black tea. He firmly stuck to fruit blends. He believed all proper tea is immoral.

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There’s no pleasing my wife. She said, could I clear the table. Though I haven’t done much sports lately, I managed with a good reserve of 2 inches and she wasn’t even happy.

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I heard people say you can’t live without love.
I still think oxygen ranks higher.

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“Does the defendant plead guilty or not guilty?”
“Not guilty.”
“Do you have some alibi?”
“What’s an alibi?”
“Has somebody seen you at the time of the robbery?”
“Oh, nobody, thank God.”

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In the middle of the night a boy comes running into his parent’s bedroom, “Dad, dad, I can’t sleep, there’s a man in my room!”
Daddy looks at the boy and says, “Come on, why you waked us up – if I come to your room now and there’s a scary guy then I won’t be able to sleep.”

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Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people would otherwise actually understand.

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My dad firmly believed laughter was the best medicine.
His faith didn’t shake even after two of us died of untreated pneumonia.

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I thought somebody was wolf-whistling at me as I went running.
But it was just my lungs.

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What is the one language that’s never spoken and yet is not a dead language?
Sign language.

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My children kept making fun of my sense of direction. It got a bit too much after half an hour so I just got up and right.

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I’m a pro at sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.

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