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Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.

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Three guys are discussing which profession was the first in history.
The Mason claims, “Masons were the first. Without us, there’d be no houses.”
The baker argues, “No, no, people ate bread before they had houses. We were the first.”
The electrician smiles, “Wait a sec. Wasn’t the first thing God said ‘Let there be light?’”

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An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you duмваss! It’s her husband!"

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So I’m sitting on a bus and a guy rushes out and seems to have forgotten his hat on his seat.
The door’s just about to close but I just make it in time to throw his hat out to him.
Now I have to sit through two more stops trying to ignore some very angry stares from the guy who actually owned the hat.

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Water starts boiling at 212 F. But do you know when milk starts boiling?
The second you leave it for a little while.

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Computer parts talk to one another:
“Look, I’m like the human brain,” says the microchip.
“Oh yeah, and I am like the eye,” says the web cam.
“Wow, I never thought about it but I am like a mouth,” says the speaker.
“Alright, let’s change the subject, shall we,” says the USB port.

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A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem:
“Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your рескеr is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”
A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”
Doctor:
“Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”

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A fluffy bunny walks along a lovely meadow when suddenly a big bear’s head peeks through the grass and asks, “Do you shed, Bunny?”
The fluffy bunny proudly smiles, “No, no I don’t.”
The bear reaches for the fluffy bunny, with one swift sтrоке wipes his behind with it and nods, “But you stink real bad!”

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A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”

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I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.

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My father is such a crybaby. Every time my mother's away from home, he has to go and sleep over at Judith's, our neighbor.

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It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.

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Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.

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Chief surgeon comes across a young doctor just leaving the operating room and claps him on the shoulder, “So, how was your first operation, Noel?”
The young doctor turns bright red and stammers, “Um… operation? I thought it was an autopsy?”

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I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night, unfortunately, my phone was drunк.

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A man to a psychiatrist:
“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies:
“We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles:
“Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies:
“No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

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An English teacher asks Little Johnny:
“Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’”
Little Johnny:
“Errors in the dark usually make children."

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A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.
When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.
On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.
In the morning, his wife sighs, 'you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven't you?'
‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?'
'You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!'

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Two boys are walking outside and one of them finds a hundred dollar bill.
His friend suggests that they should take it to the lost-and-found office.
The boy replies:
“No point. This is my mom’s money.”
His friend is startled, “But how can you know that?”
“Because my father keeps saying that my mother is just throwing money out the window.”

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Of all the dogs, a Hot Dog is the nicest; it feeds the hand that bites it.

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