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I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.
There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"
I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.
As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said,
"Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."

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God finally perfected the 24-hour cycle on Earth, with darkness and light taking turns. He looked upon it and saw that it was good. An angel asked him admiringly, “Amazing! What now, Lord?”
“Hm,” said the Lord, “I think I’m gonna call it a day.”

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Why does a room crowded with happy couples seem so empty?
There’s literally not a single person in there.

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A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the barkeeper:
“Do you have bread?”
Bartender:
“No.”
Duck:
“Do you have bread?”
Bartender:
“No!”
Duck:
“Do you…”
Bartender:
“Listen! I have no bread and if you ask me one more time, i’m gonna nail you to that wall!!!”
Duck:
“Do you have nails?”
Bartender:
“No!”
Duck:
“Do you have bread?”

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***Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a sтrоке of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.
The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says,
"It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

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Did you pass the driving test?
No I didn't.
Why not?
I overtook another driver.
Why would that mean you didn’t pass the test?
Well the other driver was a ghost driver.

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A drunк guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“
A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiот at all.”
“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”

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A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.
A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.
A second, вiggеr boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.
In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.
“Well, you моrоn,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”

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A police officer stops a car and says:
“Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunк!”
A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”

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The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.

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A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you get when you’ve been doing something right.

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How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When you’re talking to him, he’s looking at your shoes.

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That awkward moment when your friend told you their dog died, and, without thinking, you say, “Oh no, that must have been ruff…”

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My great grandfather’s been to the Titanic. He was warning the people that it was going to sink right from the start. But nobody paid attention.
Great gramps persevered, but everybody refused to listen.
He kept trying and trying, but all it got him was getting kicked out of the cinema.

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I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

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If you can't decide between running and eating chocolate, run to the store for some chocolate.

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What should you call an absolutely average potato?
A commentator.

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A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building:
“Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

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Hearing all the „work from home” recommendations, my neighbor was not amused.
Her husband is a pathologist.

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The stationary shop moved. It really surprised me.

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