Hotel Jokes - Page 2

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest вееr in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her вrеаsтs at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My реnis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant реnis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one
another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your реnis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Love Jokes Hotel Jokes

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful вrеаsтs he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Hotel Jokes Hairdresser Jokes

Yo momma's so ugly, hotel managers use her picture to keep away the rats.

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Yo Momma Jokes Hotel Jokes Boss Jokes

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel.
As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms. The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'' ''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

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Animal Jokes Hotel Jokes

You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office and say, "I've got a leak in the sink."
And they say, "Go ahead!"

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Blue Collar Jokes Hotel Jokes

A redneck couple goes to a hotel for their honeymoon. The husband goes to the front desk and stresses that this is a very important occasion and they'll need a deluxe suite.
The clerk says, "Well, I can give you the bridal.
The fellow thinks a moment and replies, "No, that's not necessary. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

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Men vs Women Jokes Hotel Jokes

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
When they start to have sеx, the wife says that she has something to confess.
The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."
So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.
The husband says, "I can deal with that."
He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway."
The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."
She says, "I can deal with that."
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.
She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

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Men vs Women Jokes Hotel Jokes

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the вrеаsт with his elbow.
Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your вrеаsт, you will surely forgive me."
She leans up to him and whispers "If your реnis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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Men vs Women Jokes Hotel Jokes

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of yourroom?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only threedoors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one hasa sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes Hotel Jokes Aviation Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.
A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. ''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.'' After she washes her hands, they have sеx. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Hotel Jokes

The Cost of Pleasure:
Cover charge: $15
Round of drinks: $23
Table dance: $30
A round of shots: $34
Private dance in your hotel room: $300
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.

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Money jokes Hotel Jokes Military Jokes

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."

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School Jokes Hotel Jokes

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the *“Three Chinese Tortures.”*

On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll endure whatever he has to. So he has his way with the daughter and retires to his room.

The next morning, he wakes to find a rock on his chest. There is a note on it, saying: *“FIRST CHINESE TORTURE: ROCK ON CHEST.”* The man laughs and throws the rock out the window.

Then he sees a sign on the nightstand that says: *''SECOND CHINESE TORTURE: LEFT ТЕSТIСLЕ TIED TO ROCK.”*

Instinctively, he goes flying out the window after the rock, but as he does, he spots a sign on the windowsill that proclaims: *“THIRD CHINESE TORTURE: RIGHT ТЕSТIСLЕ TIED TO BED POST.”*

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China Jokes Hotel Jokes Boss Jokes

There are three men in ahotel each wanting a room.
The porter of the hotel says, "All the rooms are booked except for one room with a king size bed."
The three men are too tired to go to another hotel so they decide to take the room. The next morning, the three men wake up and the man on the left side of the bed said,
"Wow, I had vivid dream of getting a wonderous hand job."
The man on the right said,
"Yeah, me too."
The man in the middle said, "You two are disgusting, I had an ordinary dream that I went Skiing."

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Sports Jokes Hotel Jokes

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Old People Jokes Fart Jokes Hotel Jokes

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!

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Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Hotel Jokes

A man and his wife check into a cheap hotel. The husband goes down to the bar, but his tired wife goes up to the room to lie down. Suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window, shakes the room and throws her out of bed. She lies down again, but the same thing happens.
She calls the front desk, and the manager comes up to investigate. The wife says, "Lie here on the bed, you'll be thrown right to the floor."
The manager lies down next to the wife just as her husband walks in.
"What's going on here?" demands the husband.
The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

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Car and driving jokes Hotel Jokes Boss Jokes

I got to Flagstaff, Arizona, and I asked the guy at the hotel, 'Excuse me, where can I find the black community?
' 'Oh, well he's on vacation this week. We'll tell him you stopped by.'

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Car and driving jokes Hotel Jokes

Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a hotel?
A: Nothing. They both specialize in serving out of town businessmen.
Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a hotel?
A: Nothing. They both specialize in serving out of town businessmen.

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Yo Momma Jokes Hotel Jokes