Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

I said to my two-year-old son, “Now, what noise does a cat make?”
“Miaow!”
“Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?”
“Woof woof!”
“That’s right! Now tell me what noise a соw makes?”
“David, if you even think about going out to that fсuкing pub with your fсuкing mates again, then you can вlооdy forget about ever being let back in this fсuкing house!”
That’s my boy!!!!

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A man is having problems with his Johnson, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your diск is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your реnis.”
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, “Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that. We should make a list!”
He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think."
"Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says:
"Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said:
"Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and suскеd the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says,
"How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunк the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

Good news: I have a boyfriend. But the bad news is I'm not good in relationships. I get all jealous. I don't even like to see my boyfriend talking to his wife.

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News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

(Note: this joke worked better in the fifties, sixties and earlier.)
“Mrs. Jones, I have some good news”
“It’s miss Jones Doctor”
“Miss Jones I have some bad news”

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A woman in the U. K. held a wedding ceremony to marry herself.
“I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think that lady you just married might be crazy.”

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

My wife treats me like a God…
She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

My wife said to me, “I’m fed up with you being so lazy. Pack your bags and leave.”
I said, “You pack them.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

The wife and I planned to commit suicide together, but after she killed herself things started to look a lot more positive.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

I’ve just been given two weeks to live.
The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Рlаyвоy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

My wife accuses me of refusing to answer her questions.
Don’t ask me why.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

“You really hate my mother, don’t you?” Asked my wife.
“No” I replied “I don’t”
.
“Then why have you never invited her to your birthday parties?”
“I invited her to my 50th just last week.”
“Yes! she snapped “But you’re only twenty f*cking four!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

One of the best uses I’ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viаgrа prescription complained over the $10/pill price.
His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion:
"Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

My wife has been dancing around all happy this morning after I told her she was beautiful.
I don’t think she’s realised what date it is today.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes Life Jokes