Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said,
"Why are you so weak?"
She said,
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

0 0

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

The difference between complete and finished?
If you marry the right one, that's complete.
If you marry the wrong one, that's finished.
If you marry the right one and then get caught with the wrong one, that's completely finished.
From Readers Digest

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

Dave, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Dave picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Prison-8’x10’ Cell
Work-6’x8’ Cubicle
Prison-3 meals a day
Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one
Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you
Work-You have to do it yourself
Prison-Friends and Family can visit you

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

The other day I was talking to my six-year-old son, Mack. I was getting after him about his behavior. I said to him, "Mack do you know the difference between right and wrong"? He looked perplexed, so I followed "you know, like good and bad". To this he replied, "ya, like 1-800 and 1-900".

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

The Stork family sits down to dinner. The momma stork asks the daddy stork, "So how was your day dear?"
"Well", he replied, "I flew North and South all day, making people happy. And how was your day?"
She answers, "Pretty much the same. I flew East and West making families happy."
They both turn to junior Stork, "And how was your day?", they asked.
Junior Stork tells them, "I had a blast! I flew all over, scaring the heck out of college students!"

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

Two grapes go on a date. At the end of the date the boy grape took the girl grape home gave her a kiss and told her that it was their only date. She started to cry and when he asked her if she was ok. She said,
"No, I'm crushed!"

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor.
Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to 'Reason for visit' he wrote, "My wife made me."

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A little boy asks his dad, “Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?”
His dad replies, “Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!”

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

A mother and daughter were out shopping at the mall. The mother saw an expensive fur coat and stated, "This year, I think I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me and I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protested, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking вееr while discussing football and NASCAR.
All of a sudden Bill says, “Dad, I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over six months.”
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his вееr and says, “Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”

0 0

Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

A boy was getting a checkup at the doctor's office, while his mother was in the waiting room. Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked,
"What's your mother's name?"
The boy replied, "Mom."
The nurse said,
"Well, what does your dad call her?"
The boy responded, "Tammy." The nurse wrote this down. She did the same thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Dad."
As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mom call him?"
The boy looked up at her with big innocent eyes and said,
"Idiот."

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dad Jokes

When I first called up my high school sweetheart, I hadn't seen him for 12 years, and I found out that he had become a cop. And I thought, 'Oh, cops are so brave! They're heroes and protect us from bad people and risk their lives!' Then I met them all, and I found out they go to Ноотеrs.

0 0

School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

My son came home from school looking all excited.
“I got a B on my reading test,” he told me.
“That’s a fuскing D,” I replied.

0 0

School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A guy went to a doctor who had his office on 4th floor. He explained to doctor that he can't satisfy his wife on bed. Doctor examined him and gave him 3 pills a red, pink and blue pill, Doctor adviced him to use the red pill first, if it is not working out use pink,and even if Pink pill fails use the blue pill as it is more powerful. He took the pills and left. Before going home he wanted to test the pill. He swallowed red pill and got in to the lift. He saw a woman about 50 years old, and f*cked her and checked if she was satisfied.. She replied somewhat. Then he tried pink pill met another woman.. F*cked her got feedback as ok. He wanted to try the blue pill and see how it works. On first floor he sees a girl ducks her and got feedback as awsome.. He was very happy now.. When he reached ground floor he realized that he don't have any pills left. So he went back to doctor to get few more blue pills. When he opened the door Doctor opens his pant and bends down.. This guy shouts "what is this Doctor.. Y are u doing this.. Doctor goes back to him slapped him and said. You ducked my mom in 3rd floor.. my wife in 2nd floor and my daughter in 1 at floor. I am the only guy left in my family.. come and duck me!!~~

0 1

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes

“Father Michael!” I shouted to the elderly priest, “Father Michael! It’s good to see you again.”
“Hello Brian,” he responded by taking my outstretched hand. “It’s been a long time. I’m surprised you seem so pleased to see me… You know, after what happened the last time we were together.”
I sensed his apprehension. “It’s ok Father.. I don’t blame you for what happened.”
“I wish I could feel the same,” he said quietly. “I should have known better. I’m really sorry if it’s any consolation. I ask God for forgiveness every single night.”
“Seriously Father.. It wasn’t your fault.”
“It’s nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty.”
“Don’t,” I replied, “I was the silly fсuкеr who asked her to marry me.”

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Single People Jokes

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things.
While he was gone the first day, she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home... Including the curtain rods.

0 0

Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes