Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

When I got married twenty years ago my father advised me to keep a journal of the things which were important to my wife.
I did this and boy has it come in handy. Just the other day she asked,
"How many times do I need to tell you that?"
I looked it up and sure enough 14 years ago she casually mentioned it to me. I'm advising my son to memorize his journal.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

My wife complained that i never take her anywhere...
I told her that's not true, we take a trip around the sun every year!

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”
Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”
Sardar says - “Baljith Singh Married”

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Single People Jokes

My wife opened her birthday present and as she held it in her hands she said, ” This is nice but why a mirror?”
I said, ” In case you forget why I’m leaving you.”

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

(Husband) Honey, according to my focus group men should be in control of the TV remote.
(Wife) Who’s in your focus group?
(Husband) Well, actually right now it’s a focus group of one, but I’m working on membership.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A former рrоsтiтuте with a rather well used vаginа that has been somewhat stretched, is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night.
She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.
Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married.
On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child; she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vаginа is so big.
They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, “I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?”

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Husband suspects his wife is cheating and tactfully asks: Honey I think im playing second fiddle ?
Wife: With a flute like yours you are lucky to be in the band.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

My wife came home with a new pair of shoes,
“I’ve bought a pair of fсuк me shoes, ” she said,
“great, get them on and lets get upstairs, ” I said,
“no, it’s not those type, it’s the type that are going to make you say, ‘Fсuк me!’ when you see the price, ” she replied.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

Ollie and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ollie put his hand on Lena’s knee. …
…
Giggling, Lena said, “Ollie, you can go a little farder now if ya vant to”….
…
So Ole drove to Duluth.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Stupid Jokes

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Single People Jokes

A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon.
The groom went to the front desk and asked for a room, saying,
“This is a very special ‘casion. It’s our weddin’ night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed.”
The clerk winked and asked, “Do you want the bridal?”
The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied,
“No, I guess not. I’ll just hold on to her ears ’til she gets used to it.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Hotel Jokes

Anyone got the owners manual for a wife?
Mine’s making a terrible whining noise.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

A n old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.
“Oh honey”, said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?”
“No”, said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.”Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a headache!”

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

I went to a party last night and got absolutely smashed. The wife said, “Your problem is, you never know when you’ve had enough!”
I replied, “Actually, I do. Which is why I packed my bags this morning.”

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

Why did Heidi Klum need her husband's permission to get a divorce?
She wanted his "Seal" of approval!

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture.
"I don’t know what you’ve brought in," she said,
"But I can’t seem to get this out."
He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he said.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Guy moves in with the woman: you just mess up her place and рiss her off for six months. And she walks around going, 'How can one person leave every pair of dirтy underwear all over the floor?' Because women don't know what the floor is for. Women think the floor is a way to get from this room to that room. Men realize the floor is actually a low, flat shelf.

0 0

Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Two men, both married, were discussing their lives. Suddenly one says," You know, I think I would like to die before my wife"
" Now why is that"? Asked the other.
" Because if she's there when I arrive, she'll be telling a lot of things about me. And I want to clear my account before that"!

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes