Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

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Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore: marriage is an institution for the blind.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

An old man and his wife are having their first argument after many years of marriage.
He says, ‘When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey!’
‘I know,’ replies his wife. ‘But I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband", says the wife
...2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand !
Husband says "sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ..."
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92 !

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Genie jokes

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.
He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
"I’m sorry," said the mayor, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A мurdеr has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five... Six ... Put me down for a five."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'.
Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

Monday – a very, very, good day! The leader’s daughter lost. We found her and all of us made sеx with her.
Tuesday – a very, very, good day! The leader's wife lost. We found her and all of us made sеx with her.
Wednesday – a very, very, very, very, very, very, bad day! ... I lost! … Now they're looking for me.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Doctor to woman patient:
"Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him."
Patient:
"But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’
Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes

There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunк.
One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?"
They asked.
She said,
"Get out from under the bed and fight like a man".

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Discussion between two future lawyers:
I don’t understand why they rejected me!
I told them that I want to be a lawyer because I respect the law, that I’d give my life for the Constitution and that I want justice for my clients.
What did you tell them?
I told them that I want to be a lawyer because of my hands!
You’re hands?
What do you mean?
Well, I looked in my hands and there were no money...

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Lawyer Jokes

An alcoholic addict just returned home from a rehab and he saw crate of empty bottles sitting at the corner and he goes there grab one and smacknit to the wall and said "you made my wife leave me."
Grab another one and smashes it and said "you made me get fired from work" and grab another one which was full and was about to smash it and he brushes it and said "you were not part of them and open and drink...."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Once upon a time, in a far away land, a beautiful independent, confident princess met a frog, while sitting and considering the environmental issues of the world, at the side of an infected lake, in a very green meadow, near her castle.
The frog jumped on princess’ knees and said:
"My sweet lady, once I was a handsome prince, until an evil witch cursed me.
I f you kiss me, however, I will become again that graceful prince I once was.
Then, my sweety, we will get married and we will live in your castle, and you will cook for me, you will wash my clothes, and you will give birth to my childre and you will feel so happy and graceful for being able to do all these things forever!"
That night, the princess enjoying her nice cooked frog legs, she chuckled inside and thought:
"... And then he woke up."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A wife tells her husband:
"We never go out anywhere…"
"Great, tomorrow I will be going to through our the garbage, you may join me…"

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’
Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’
Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds.
The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that.
So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.
- ”Are you hurt?” he asked.”Of course I’m hurt!” she replied.
“Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sеx is the same but you get to use the remote.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes