Masturbation jokes

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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking.”
“Really? Great! Show me!” responds the interviewer.
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”
“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily marriedman.” he states.
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?” demands the interviewer.
“Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
There was an expectant father who had spent all of his vacation time waiting for the offspring to arrive; he and the missuz were waiting- at his in-laws’ place. As he had no vacation left, he tells his father-in-law, “When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I’ll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby.”
The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it’s a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, “If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he’ll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over.” So the father-in-law left the following message:
“The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing.”
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch реnis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok??”
In a very weak voice Mike says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?”
The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch реnis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
Mike said, “Oh Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn Around'”
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband,”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade.”