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H arry walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, “Why are you so happy?”
Harry says, “I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks.”
A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he’s skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, “You win at Bingo again?”
Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this past weekend and I won ten grand. I’m feeling so dамn lucky that I think I’m going to ask that new Pakistani girl in Accounting out on a date.”
The next Monday morning, Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of the co-workers says, “Did you win another lottery?”
Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. You know that Pakistani girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know, she’s giving me the best вlоwjов I ever had.”
One of his co-workers says, “Man, are you frigging lucky.”
Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. She’s blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it…and I won another ten grand.”
A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie’s lamp … He rubs the lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes… when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, counting money while getting a massage from a gorgeous woman. …
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The next day, the boy hears that the man is dead, lynched from a tree by men wearing white robes, affiliated with the ККК. …
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The boy, confused, goes back to the train track where he saw the lamp and decides to rub it to see what happens… the genie comes out and says “sorry, I’m all out of wishes”.
The boy says, “OK, but tell me one thing, what did the man wish for yesterday?”
The genie replies: his first wish was to be rich, his second wish was to have a gorgeous wife, and his third wish was to be hung like a black man.
A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor…
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The doctor looked him over and declared, “Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring…a BANANA.” ….
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The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor…introduces the banana into the man’s system.
The man is shocked.
The doctor says, “Excellent job. Now please come back in three days with another banana.”
The man trusts his doctor, so in three days he returns with another banana. The doctor again asks the man to remove his pants and again he introduces the banana into the man’s system. The man is extremely confused, but his stomach pains aren’t as bad anymore so he will continue to follow his doctors orders.
The doctor says, “Great job. Now please come back in three days with.. A HAMMER.”
The man returns with a hammer three days later. He is extremely confused, but upon seeing the doctor he receives his instructions.
“Please take off your pants and lie on your side on the examination table,” says the doctor.
The man lays there for a few minutes with his rear end bare. The doctor breathlessly grips the hammer and waits. The tapeworm pops out of the man’s вuттhоlе, looks at the doctor and says, “Hey where the fсuк is my banana?”
Bam!
"Well, what seems to be the problem?" asked the clock repair man.
"It's my grandfather clock. It used to go tic toc, tic toc, tic toc. Now, it just goes tic, tic, tic, tic, tic," replied the young lady.
"Hmmm, I think I can fix this," he says. He opens the door on the clock, looks at it, and then says to the lady, "Don't worry, we have ways of making it toc!"
Three blondes were applying for the last available position in the Wyoming Sheriff’s Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be a cop, eh?” The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and tattoos.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the same photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other ? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde replied, “I sure did! This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, examined the picture and began reviewing some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, duhhhhhhh!
With only one eye and one ear he certainly can’t wear glasses!”
(This is an excerpt of one of George Carlin’s classic stand-up routines) … …
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When it comes to вullshiт, big-time, major league вullshiт, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. … No contest. … Religion. …
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Religion easily has the greatest вullshiт story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of TEN things he does NOT want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!
But He loves you!
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good вullshiт story. Holy Shiт!
But He loves you!