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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees, “Donald Trump Suскs” written in urinе across the snow. ….
….
Well, he’s is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the dамn front lawn! And they wrote it in urinе! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dаммiт, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says:
“Well, Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urinе and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urinе.”
Trump says “Oh my God, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Dамn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues:
“And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her воwеl will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fсuкing with you, she’s dead.”
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, “If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?” She answers promptly, “I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.”
Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, “I’d like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.”
Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, “I would go to the sun.”
Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, “Well, if you went to the sun, you’d burn to death almost instantaneously.”
The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. “Do you think I am fсuкing sтuрid! I’d go at night!”