Old People Jokes

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We call our grandad “Spiderman”.
He hasn’t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

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You know you're old when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you see is your teeth smiling at you while in a glass on you're bedside night table.

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You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.

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I've reached that point in my life where my train of thought usually leaves the station without me.

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(Me) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own 'Command Center'!
(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!
(Me) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!
(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?

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Have you heard that a company has come out with a new cell phone made just for senior citizens?
It not only has вiggеr numbers, rotary dial and the best feature; it has less memory.

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I know I'm getting old... the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels.

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A little old couple in there eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Рlаyвоy movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

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An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said:
“You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said:
“Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said:
“Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”

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She: Will you still love me when my hair is white?
He: I suppose so. I've loved you through four colors already.

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A sign that you are young... you drop a lot of things.
A sign that you are old... you drop a lot of things.

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(Grandson) Grandpa, I think the 'Y generation' has modern views and a forward thinking way more ahead of the life view of your day.
(Grandfather) I appreciate and respect your thoughts but I disagree and can back up my claim with facts.
(Grandson) Sounds fair grandpa, please state your case.
(Grandfather) First off, one question, did you take the ice bucket challenge?
(Grandson, proudly answers) Yes, in fact I did!
(Grandfather) I rest my case.

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(Son) Mom who is FDR?
(Mom) I see you’ve been talking with your great grandfather again. FDR was commander in chief when your great grandfather was young.
(Son) Which tribe?

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There's this old lady at a supermarket. She goes to the produce section. She's rummaging around for a while. Then the Produce Manager sees this and starts talking to her.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: We're out of broccoli at the moment.
The old lady starts rummaging again.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: I just told you that we don't have any at the moment.
The old lady begins rummaging again.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: Is there straw in strawberry?
Old Lady: Yes.
Produce Manager: Is there van in vanilla?
Old Lady: Yes.
Produce Manager: Is there freak in broccoli?
Old Lady: There's no freak in broccoli!
Produce Manager: That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!

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I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. …..
…..
At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.

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What goes in-out-in-out and stinks of рiss ?
Nanna doing the hokey pokey.

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I do not trip over things...
I just perform random gravity checks!

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Gran’s always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach ..
I just can’t believe she fell for it.

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Now that I'm older and life has slowed down I've had time to take a closer look at things. I've found so much humor in everyday things, so much so that I'll sometimes burst out in uncontrollable laughter and hysterics.
The local gang members must really like humor and seem to respect my new outlook on life. So much so that they always give me a wide birth even after dark.

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An old lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily eats them. Every 5 minutes she hands him another handful of peanuts.
Driver:
"Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady:
"I can't chew look I have no teeth."
Driver:
"Then why do you buy them?"
Old lady:
"I just love the chocolates around them."

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