Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

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Why was the chef arrested? He was beating eggs every day.

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Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?
Answer: Ireland’s.
Every year it’s Dublin.

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I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.

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My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.
But I think it’s just a stage he’s going through.

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Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.

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This gravity joke is getting a bit old, but I fall for it every time.

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A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…”
Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.

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A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

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Two underpans meet for a вееr.
“Why are you so brown?” asks one.
“Don’t ask. It was a really сrаррy week.”

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The longest I’ve ever gone without a pun was 7 days.
Pretty weak.

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How can you detect a detective dog?
He’s the one with the good lead.

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“I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me.”
Mike, 48, surgeon

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What does a CIA agent do when it’s time for bed?
He quickly goes under cover.

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We had a party in the office yesterday. As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table. I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!”
She blushed and asked if I really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!”

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A doctor got angry. He lost all his patients.

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A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vомiт and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
Pharmacists: “Nope, I feel fine.”

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I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.

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My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.

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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

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What did the blanket say to the bed?
No fears, I've got you covered!

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