Political Jokes

Most popular in this category

I got thrown out of Barclays Bank today. I was trying to deposit £300,000 in cash but apparantly monopoly money is not a “real currency”!

0 0

Top 5 worst things to say to airport security.
1. This pat-down is really turning me on.
2. I have a sword in my pants.
3. Would you like to buy some сосаinе? I can give you a special deal.
4. Why don’t you get a real job you fат f*ck?
5. Can you hurry up please? My bomb is due to explode in about 30 minutes!

0 0

Can’t believe how sеxy politics has become since Barack Obama took office. When he was on the TV the other day I think I must have jеrкеd off about 3 times.

0 0

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
“Hi there little girl, I’m the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens,” little Suzy said.
“How old are they?” asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“Labour supporters,” answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
And in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,”
When Milliband’s motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”
“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re UKIP supporters.”
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, “But…but…yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS.”
Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know.
But today, they have their eyes open.”

0 0

The following conversation took place in a government meeting regarding the school curriculum.
Adviser: So what are we gonna teach the kids?
Politician: I’ve decided to go with Pythagoras’s theorem.
Adviser: But what about car repairs, applying for loans, buying a house, starting a business or doing taxes?
Politician: No!! Finding the length of a triangle is more important.

0 0

I’m getting so tired of this “politically correct” abrogation of our free speech, Why did they replace a perfectly good word “Jungle” with “Rainforest?”
Personally I don’t think “Rainforest Rabbit” will ever become mainstream.

0 0

Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English; the car mechanics are French; the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

0 0

After successfully getting their big line items approved in the congressional spending package, two lobbyists were celebrating at a Washington restaurant.
“You know,” mused one, “it’s a crying, shame our grandchildren and great-grandchildren haven’t been born yet so they can see the terrific things the government‘s doing with their money.

0 0

I'm an old school, hаrdсоrе political activist. For instance, I still won't eat grapes because of the plight of the migrant farm workers. I also won't eat raisins because of the older migrant farm workers. That's how hаrdсоrе I am. I also won't eat prunes. That's for a completely different reason.

0 0

I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 p. M.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home... before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid, etc.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because... I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care...
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians ...
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy... and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies!
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fат, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory...
I'm walking more to the bathroom and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...

0 0

Foreign Aid : Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country.

0 0

The year 2045:
“Dad, how did President Trump ever get elected?:
“Well, we were a bit distracted back then. That was the year adult coloring books came out.”

0 0

New simplified income tax:
1. How much money did you make this year?
2. Send it to us.

0 0

I've been thinking of a career change. I went to a career counselor and found out in testing that I scored off the charts for having a highly dynamic persona and a great smile.
I was also told I'm not very good at follow through nor do I accomplish much though I do appear to look busy.
Here's the good news! My career counselor told me to "run for public office", even though I'm over qualified!

0 0

The news is full of lies… Just went to the bank to get my hair cut and security escorted me from the premises!

0 0

Three Friends
Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied:
"Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said,
"Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

0 0

"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked,
"And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."

0 0

Thank God the American Elections are over.
Now the rest of the world can go back to hating their own politicians.

0 0

I was talking to a friend’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. …
…
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, … ‘If you were to be the President, what’s the first thing you would do?’ …
…
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’ …
…
‘Wow - what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. …
You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.’ … …
She thought that over for a few seconds, ’cause she’s only 6.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’
And I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

0 0

Breaking News: Sturgeon to sue Congress “The SNP will not stand by and watch Trump elected, against the will of Scotland - we did not vote for this outcome!”

0 0