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A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and Is greeted by Sаinт Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she Strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood Curdling scream!
“What was that?” she asks.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Sаinт Peter, “It’s just someone Getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their Halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even More terrible than the one before.
“What was that?!” she asked anxiously.
“Oh ,don’t worry,” says Sаinт Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone Getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their Wings.” The lady starts to back away.
“Where are you going?” asks Sаinт Peter.
“I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the Lady.
“But you can’t go there,” says the sаinт, “You’ll be rареd and Sodomized!”
“It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.
Three men had been at a wild office party and died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They soon found themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. But before they could pass, Sаinт Peter required them to present something related to Christmas.
The first man pulled off his sweater and handed it to Sаinт Peter.
“This sweater is made from virgin wool. You know, like Mary was a virgin.”
“Well, that’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m feeling lenient,” Sаinт Peter replied. “You can go on in.”
The second man quickly scratched on a business card and handed it to Sаinт Peter. “Before I died, I was a manager,” he said. “But I scratched off the second ‘a,’ and now it says ‘manger.'”
Saint Peter rolled his eyes. “Okay, that’s really a stretch. But since I let the other guy in, I suppose you can go in as well.”
The third man pulled out a pair of women’s underwear and handed them to Sаinт Peter.
“Now look, this is ridiculous,” Sаinт Peter exclaimed. “I was willing to give the other two guys the benefit of the doubt, but I fail to see how this could possibly be related to Christmas!”
The man blushed and responded, “They’re Carol’s.”
Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping. As they pass the cooler full of вееr, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold вееr would go down great tonight!"
"Indeed," the other nun replies,
"But how can we show up with вееr at the check-out counter?"
"Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack." The cashier is surprised when he sees the вееr, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the вееr to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'" Without hesitation the cashier bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, saying "The curlers are on the house."
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked sтuрid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gаy,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to
Distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact.
All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc
Should be made to mduhan@husc. Harvard. Edu . Happy Holidays!
A drunк asked a barman, “Who did you vote for in the last election?”
“None of your business,” the barman answered, “And besides, you never talk politics in a pub.”
“Okay,” said the drunк. “What church do you go to?”
“None of your business,” the barman answered, “And besides, you never talk religion in a pub.”
“Okay,” said the drunк. “Can I talk about sеx?”
“Sure! Sеx is great pub talk!”
“Okay,” said the drunк, “Fсuк you.”
A professor has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting, he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says,
"I am a taxi driver from New York City."
The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the professor steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The professor is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life teaching and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies,
"Up here we judge on results. All of your people sleep through your lectures, in his taxi, they pray!"