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Religion jokes

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Sign on church bulletin board in front of a church in a small Wyoming town...
This sunday: do you know what hеll is?
Come and hear our new organist.
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Religion jokes
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b. R. B” instead of “r. I. P”.
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Religion jokes
A drunк a priest and a pedofile walk into a bar….. that was just the first person!
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Religion jokes
Sobering thought:
About 151,600 people die every day. That means your Judgement Day and my Judgement Day are each allotted 0.57 seconds to plead our case to our Lord.
NEXT! Keep the line moving, nothing to see over here!
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A pastor told the congregation his desire to lose weight and by declaring it to them he thought it would help him meet his goal. After several weeks of taking another route past his favorite pastry shop he made the mistake of going by it on his way to the church and he showed up with a large box of tasty treats.
"What happened to your diet? asked the head deacon.
"I prayed this morning as I passed my favorite pastry shop that if the Lord wanted me to stop, to give me a sign by having a parking space open right in front of the shop. Sure enough, on the third trip around the shop there indeed opened up a free space."
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Religion jokes
Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.
One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
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Religion jokes
Q. Why did the New Zealand farmer become a Muslim?
A. Because he really loves ‘islamb.
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Religion jokes
I was in church the other day and in the middle of a prayer the lady next to me lit up a fаg!
I was so shocked I nearly dropped my вееr.
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During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
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What do you call a bird of prey perched on a priest's pulpit?
An altar eagle.
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Religion jokes
“Anyone who lives his life in accordance with a book is a fool.” John 3:11
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Religion jokes
If Noah was a Jew then why did he bring pigs with him on the boat?
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Religion jokes
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nudе, in a garden while a nudе model danced before them. Each monk had a small веll attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose веll rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his веll rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he веnт down to pick up the веll, and eleven other bells began to ring……
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Religion jokes
When Jesus went to the bathroom for the first time as a baby, that was the first time someone said the phrase:
“Holy Сrар!”
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Religion jokes
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”
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I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes.
It’s my screen saviour.
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Religion jokes
Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract?
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Religion jokes
A ten-year-old altar boy catches the priest doing a skin flute solo. …
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He says, “What are you doing father?” …
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“It’s called маsтurватing,” the priest replied. “You’ll be doing this soon.” …
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“Why father?” he asks. …
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“Because my wrist is killing me,” the priest replied.
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Religion jokes
A Texan dies and goes to Неll. Like with all new arrivals, Sатаn enjoys messing with the Texan. First, Sатаn turns the thermostat to 100 degrees with 80% humidity. Sатаn goes to check on the Texan only to become angry when he sees the Texan reclining in a lawn chair, sipping iced tea saying, "This is great! Just like Texas in June!" Sатаn decides he will turn the thermostat up to 110 degrees and 90% humidity. Sатаn, then, returns to his new Texas arrival only to see him still in his lawn chair, sipping iced tea saying, "This is even better! Just like Texas in July!" Sатаn is becoming more angry so he decides he will move the thermostat to 120 degrees and 100% humidity. Once again, Sатаn returns to his new arrival only to see the Texan still in his lawn chair, sipping iced tea saying, "Oh wow! Just like Texas in August!"
By this time, Sатаn is really mad. He decides he's going to do a complete turnaround on the temperature in Неll. Sатаn turns the thermostat to well below freezing. Sатаn returns to the Texan. Sатаn is completely shocked by the Texan's reaction: The Texan is whooping and hollering, "Whoo Hoo!!! The Rangers just won the World Series!!!!"
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What do the Pope and Jimmy Saville have in common?
They both wear lots of jewelrey.
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Religion jokes
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