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School Jokes

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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, “Don’t be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?”
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I stopped buying makeup when I wandered into a department store recently and noticed that the makeup sales ladies are starting to dress like research scientists. They're back there with slide rules and computerized skin charts. And you know they probably didn't finish high school, but they're wearing lab coats.
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I had a kid who threatened to кill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing 'Кill Mr. Vallee' in his weekly planner in the section labeled 'Weekly Goals and Objectives.' And the school was freakin' out. They didn't know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and I'm like, 'Why? This kid hasn't met any goals in his objectives all year.'
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Boy:Mum its my birthday.
Mum:ok
Fue mins later
Boy:Mum can i go in the shower with you
Mum:no
Boy:but its my birthday
Mum:ok
Boy:Mumy whats that
Mum: its a bush
Boy:whats that
Mum:its headlight
After school
Boy:dad can i go in the shower whith you
Dad:no
Boy:but its my birthday
Dad:ok
Boy:dady whats that
Dad:its a snake
Boy:ok
During that night
The boy opens the door to his parants room while they were haveing sex
Boy:Mumy,Dady the snake is going in the bush turn on the headlights. vote kikass please
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One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said,
"Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."
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Now every idiот from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
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Teacher: WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE YOU WERE YOUR FIRST DAY IN SCHOOL! Like you were in Kindergarten!
Student: You really want me to be like I was on my first day?
Teacher: YES!
Student: Alright then.
*The next day*
Teacher: what's 4x3 divided by the square root of 7.
Student: FISH!
Class: *Laughs*
Teacher: Get over here!
*In the corner of the class room*
Teacher: We agreed you'd be like you were on your first day!
Student: Yeah, and the answer for everything was fish.
Teacher: I hate you.
Student: I hate you too
Teacher: You said that on your first day too?
Student: Nope, I said "I love you" to all my teachers
Teacher: Then why haven't you said that to me!?
Student: Because I didn't lie on the first day of school either.
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As the new drivers ed student drove through the red light at the intersection, the instructor admonished him and asked,
"Why did you not stop for the red light?"
The student replied, "My brother doesn't."
The instructor directed him to return to the school for more instruction before any more driving could take place. On the way back, the student approached the same intersection with a green light, he immediately slammed on the brakes shocking the instructor as well as other drivers. "Why did you stop at a green light?"
The student replied, "You never know when my brother's coming."
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You have to wonder about a country where the bombs are smarter than the high school graduates…. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the map. ~ (Attributed to Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame.)
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The following conversation took place in a government meeting regarding the school curriculum.
Adviser: So what are we gonna teach the kids?
Politician: I’ve decided to go with Pythagoras’s theorem.
Adviser: But what about car repairs, applying for loans, buying a house, starting a business or doing taxes?
Politician: No!! Finding the length of a triangle is more important.
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School Teacher: Last night a bunch of thieves broke into a cupboard and stole a bunch of blunt pencils. The theft was described as pointless.
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Why are parents so bad at discussing sеx with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shаgging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
“Dancing,” she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fсuкing expelled.
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One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, I bumped into an old friend of mine, Rob, from high school. “You look great Rob, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be at least 65 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” I exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Rob.
“That’s incredible,” I said, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked Rob. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Rob.
“Whoa! Well, how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died” asked Rob. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!"
“Getting married?!” I asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
Rob looked at me, smiled, and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
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I phoned my local radio station today.
When the guy answered the phone he said, “Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize.”
“Wahoo!” I shouted in delight.
“It’s a Maths question,” he said. “Feeling
Confident?”
“I’ve got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school,” I proudly replied.
“Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what’s 2+2?”
“7,” I replied.
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My wife and I decided to go out for the day. We went for a long stroll in the park, bought some ice creams and sat by the pond, feeding the ducks. Eventually she turned to me and said, “Have you had a nice day?”
I said, “Yes thanks. It was 1987, the sun was shining and I’d just left school.”
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If you look in your high school yearbook, it's so great 'cause the stuff people wrote in there -- very sincere. I want to call people based on what they wrote in my yearbook. Like, I haven't talked to them since, just call 'em up:
'Hey Susan, what's going on? This is Laura. What am I doing? Staying sweet, just like you said. Thanks for the advice, it is really working out for me.'
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50 kick-аss and I will маsтurвате in school then fuск my girlfriend after school
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I went to school and I was taught that:
Pussy meant a cat,
Sex meant a gender,
Bitch was a female dog,
Dick was a name,
Bang was a sound,
Rubber was an eraser,
Head meant a part of the body,
69 was just a number.
And then I came across all you dirтy ваsтаrds and my education was ruined !
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Whomever put the first 'r' in February must have put the first 'd' in Wednesday.
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Teacher: Class when you grow up what do you want to be and why?
Student 1: I want to be a doctor, to help those who are in need.
Student 2: I want to be a lawyer, to also help those who are in need.
Student 3: When I grow up, I'll probably be the one in need...
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