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School Jokes

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The Professor was teaching his students, and asked them "What's the difference between complete and finished"?
The students all look amazed, with no answers
Well says the Professor "if you marry the right person, your life is complete"
However if you marry the wrong person, you life is finished
BUT if you sleep with the wrong person and the right person finds out?
You are completely finished!
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It's always been a dream of mine to get the minivan. I don't know about you guys, but when I was in a high school, my bedroom wall was covered in minivan posters. I had that popular one, where the pregnant woman is leaning against the hood, surrounded by 14 kids; the husband's in the back with a rifle in his mouth; the mother-in-law standing next to him -- 'You can do it.'
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A man graduated from veterinary school then took a course in taxidermy. He now has a sign in his Doctor's office that reads, "Veterinarian/Taxidermist - Either way - you get your pet back".
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A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said “Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?”
“What’s a narrative, Gerald?” she asked.
“A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.”
“Oh, I see,” said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, “Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?”
“What’s extinguish?” she asked.
“Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,” said brainy Gerald
“Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.”
The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table. “Gerald,” said his mother, trying to impress, “take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!”
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The super mario bros in middle school
Bowser: Mario get a life
Mario: *pulls out a green mushroom and eats it* thanks bowser! Now if you make me die of boredom, I'll still have 3 lives left!
Bowser: gimme your lunch money
Mario: *dies of boredom* *comes back to life* I'm sorry, I don't have any coins. I lost them all when I died from your stupidity
Peach: boys! Boys! Stop this fighting!
Bowser: Sup bae
Peach: *slaps bowser's face with her purse*
Mario: hey bowser I see the ladies like you
Bowser: why you little-
Mario: yes bowser I see I am the shorter brother.
Bowser: I HATE YOU SO MUCH
Mario: bowser, I didn't ask for what you say when you look in the mirror!
Bowser: I give up...
Mario: I didn't ask what your parents say to you constantly
Bowser: (?°?°)? ???
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A plane is about to crash and on it there is a Blonde, Micheal Jackson, a school-boy and the pilot. There are only 3 parachutes. MJ takes one a screams i'm too famous to die, and jumps. then goes the blonde who says she's too pretty to die, and then the pilot says,
"Its ok, you can live you life" to the school-boy, but then the kid says "it's ok, the blonde took my school-bag"
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It was an emotional day for me when my six-year-old twins headed off for their first day of school. Four-year-old Andrew and I accompanied them to the corner to wait for the bus. When it arrived and the boys climbed on and waved good-bye, I could no longer hold back my tears.
"Don't cry, Mommy," said Andrew reassuringly. "Maybe one day you'll get to ride in a school bus too!"
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“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”
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I went to correspondence school. That really suскеd -- no school spirit, our school color was manila.
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I is very proud dat I went 2 school in da UK. I fink out of all 17 countries in da world UK is da best.
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Aughter:
"Mommy Mommy, This Kid Jeff Told Me To Climb The School Flag Pole And I Did And He Gave Me Five Dollars!"
:Mother:
"Sweetie, He Just Wanted To See Your Underwear"
The Next Day...
Aughter:
"Mommy Mommy, Jeff Told Me To Climb The Flag Pole, And I didn't Wear My Underwear..."
:Mom:
"....."
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A neighbor asked Ollie why the Norwegian government doesn’t draft men until age 45. …
…
Ollie Explained, “Dey vant to get dem right otta of high school.”
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Two dogs talking...
Fido: I can't go to dog obedience school tonight.
Spot: Why not?
Fido: My master ate my homework.
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Teacher: At the end of this ruler is a sтuрid student (pointing at student).
Narrator: The student got detention for say "Which end?"
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Sсrеwing someone from work is great unless you work in a primary school.
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In school, a teacher goes up to student named Johnny who is chewing gum. The teacher asks him, "Are you chewing gum?"
The student replies,
"No, I'm Johnny."
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One man asked a schoolboy, "How old is your father?"
The boy replied, "He is 8 years old."
Man:
"What?"
Boy:
"Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago."
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A Sunday school teacher wanted to stimulate her first grade class as the lesson started by asking them, "Do you want to go to heaven today?" All but one of the ten children raised their hands enthusiastically. Everyone but Susie.
"Susie, don't you want to go to heaven?" she asked.
"Yes, I do." Susie replied
"Well, why did you not raise your hand when I asked if you want to go to heaven?"
"I really want to go to heaven, but not with these guys," she replied.
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How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says:
"This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says,
"We're going to have to do this over and over
Again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says,
"Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath
Normally."
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A student in chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredient with water. But the student chose the wrong ingredient and the teacher realized mixing it with water would create an explosion.
He stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient. The student wanted to know what that would accomplish.
The teacher answered, "It will give me time to get away."
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