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A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viаgrа,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viаgrа,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viаgrа. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fсuкing STARVING!”
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”
“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”
“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do”
“First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”
“Second - There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sеx. You have to take care of that problem.”
The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 - but I’m not an idiот! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the dамn tequila?!”
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn’t make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body -
He drunkenly says, “Now… where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”
==========
A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a вusтy blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my growler?”
“Yes, I’m sorry, ” says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it вlоw a kiss to you.”
Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.
Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.
“I can also make it wink, ” says the woman.
The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The Scotsman moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”
Stunned, The Scotsman replies, “Good grief! Can it whistle, too?”