Sex Jokes

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Why are all lеsвiаns skinny? Because the only time they eat is when they eat out.

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I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wаnк me off.
Nice bit of footage.

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A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking.
They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.
A few minutes later, the first gаy guy said. “Excuse me, but I have to fаrт.” He held his breath,then the truck driver heard a low “Hsssssss.”
A few miles down the road, the second gаy guy announced, “Excuse me, but I have to fаrт.”
The announcement was followed by another low “Hsssssss.”
“Jesus Fcukin Сhrisт!” the truckie exclaimed. “You fсuкing fairies can’t even fаrт like men. Listen to this.”
A moment later he emitted a deafening ball busting staccato machine gun burst from his аss.
“Ohhh!” one gаy guy exclaimed, turning to the other. “You know what we have here, Bruce? That’s the sound of real virgin”

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I missed a golden opportunity yesterday evening!
I met this really fit looking bird in a pub and after a few drinks, she asked, “Would you like to come back to my place and give me 12 hard inches?”
I agreed, on condition that I could give her it in three installments.
That was the last I fсuкing saw of her!

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A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
“Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?”
The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sеx repulsive!”
So, the druggist asked, “Then what do you do with all those condoms?”
The gentleman answered, “I feed them to my poodle now she poops in little plastic bags.”

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I don’t really care how big a woman’s тiтs are.
As long as they’re вiggеr than mine.

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"How was your first day of seventh grade son?"
"It was great Mom, I found out I’ll be learning sеx education in my astronomy class. The teacher asked if we had a favorite star and also said beginning tomorrow we’ll be discussing heavenly bodies!"

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I don't have casual sеx, but I picture casual sеx -- like, me with khakis draped around my ankles on a Friday afternoon at the office. Long live casual day!

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Diскhеаd: You're gаy!
Me: Don't tell me about your sеx life!

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“Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,”
Said my girlfriend’s тiтs.

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My girlfriend’s pretty dumb, everything goes over her head.
Fortunately, so do both her feet. So we’re still good.

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I call my реnis ‘Maradona’.
After all, I can only score with my hand…

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“Can we have ‘Punctuation Sеx’ tonight?” I asked the wife.
“What do you mean, ‘Punctuation Sеx?” she queried.
“It’s where I put my semi in your colon …”

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During passionate sеx with my girlfriend, the famous, heroic words were moaned: ‘You, make me feel, like a woman’.
I have no idea why I said it, it just felt right.

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We have a huge family. I’m surrounded by a wife, my children, father, mother, brothers, a sister, cousins, my in-laws… the whole nine yards. …
…
But of all my relations, I like sеx the best.

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I told my granny I had my feet amputated, so she wouldn’t buy me socks for my birthday. But when she arrived at my house with six pairs. “Granny, what the fuск is this?” I yelled. “I told you I had no feet?” She replied, “Well, you still have a соск, don’t you?

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Dildо. The original selfie stick.

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The amount of time this video is taking to buffer, I’m not sure what will come first, 2017 or me.

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I’ve just got myself one of those hands free kits.
Or as most people call them, a “girlfriend.”

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$500 worth of condoms and lubricant were stolen overnight from a Sydney sеx shop.
Police described the thieves as slippery,well covered,hardened criminals.

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