Sexist Jokes

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I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman ‘the eagle’.
“Man, that guy is sтuрid,” I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Piss one off? I think not
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It’s not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a реsт exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
Without forgetting to:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.
And at the same time, you must also:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
=========================================
How to make a man happy
1. Feed him.
2. Fсuк him.
3. Shut the fсuк up.
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Автомат Der Sorgerechtsstreit Man en vrouw zijn in een echtscheidingsprocedure verwikkeld en staan voor de rechter. De kinderen komen ter sprake en de vrouw vindt dat zij recht heeft op de kinderen, omdat zij ze gebaard heeft.... Apropå vårdnad av barn: Ett äkta par har tagit ut skilsmässa och står inför skranket och tvistar om vem som ska ha vårdnaden om deras gemensamma dotter. Båda parter försöker med allehanda argument.... Skilsmässoparet vill båda ha vårdnaden om deras enda barn. Domaren anser att modern har största rätten till barnet men mannen bestrider detta med följande motivering: - Om domaren lägger en krona... Trwa rozprawa rozwodowa, a dokładniej - sprawa o przyznanie opieki nad dzieckiem. Matka (jeszcze żona, już nie kochanka) wstała i jasno dała do zrozumienia sędziemu, że dzieci należą się jej. To... Egy kis faluban élő házaspár válni készül. Mindketten maguknak akarják a gyerekeket. A válóperes tárgyaláson a bíró mindkét felet megkérdezi, mielőtt a gyerekekről dönt. Az asszony azzal indokolja... Der var stor ståhej i det lille hjem. Ægteparet skulle skilles, og parret diskuterede vildt og inderligt , hvem der skulle have forældreretten over parrets barn. - Hør her! råbte konen vredt. - Jeg... Válóperes tárgyaláson veszekszik a férj és a feleség, hogy kinél maradjon a gyerek. Elsőnek a feleség kapja meg a szót : - Én szültem, tehát az enyém. Mire a férj a bíróhoz fordul. - Tisztelt bíró... Маж и жена се разведуваат на суд и пред судијата се расправаат за старателството над детето. Жената му вели на судијата: - Јас го родив детето, во мојот стомак растеше и треба мене да ми припадни.... Um casal está se separando e está discutindo com o juiz a custódia da criança. A mãe argumenta que ela é que tem que ficar com a criança, por todos os motivos que as mulheres alegam nesses casos: —...
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“Advice For Young Girlfriends”
How do I know if I’m ready for sеx?
Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sеx, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.
Should I have sеx on the first date?
YES. Before if possible.
What exactly happens during the act of sеx?
Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
How long should the sеx act last?
This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his mates to play golf. Or
Perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the pub for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his mates. Don’t feel left out - while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the flat, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.
What is “afterplay?”
After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a
List of important activities for you to do after lоvемакing. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Does the size of the реnis matter?
Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average еrест male реnis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sеxuаl оrgаn is four inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his flat, or buying him an expensive gift.
What about the female оrgаsм?
What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.
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