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After getting all of The Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” continues the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my licence,” moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the Police approach, but the policeman takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and get on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief Inspector,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief Inspector gets on the radio and the policeman tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So arrest him,” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the PC.
The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the PC.
The Chief then asked, “Who’ve you got there, the Mayor?”
Pc:
“Вiggеr.”
Chief:
“Mp?”
Pc:
“Вiggеr.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”
Pc:
“I think it must be God!”
Chief:
“What makes you think it’s God?
Pc:
“He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!!”
One night, while on foot patrol, a Police officer approached a local bar. Through the door stumbled a drunк who promptly fell on his backside. He lay on the ground with his eyes closed. Upon opening his eyes, he sees the Officer looking down at him.
He says,"Osifer, did you see me fall!"
The Officer says,"Yeah, I did."
The drunк asks, “Do you know who I am?"
"Nope." Comes the reply.
"Well,” says the drunк, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”
My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property?…. the old вuggеr had a newspaper route!”
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself, “She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.” So he made the supreme sасrifiсе and gave up the beans. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home. So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk. All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted.
Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.
His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately,”Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table. He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable. So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him. Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking. Keeping his ear turned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!!
When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it and smiled contently to himself.
His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.
At that point she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!! There were twelve dinner guest seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!!!
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he’d jog past a hоокеr standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout from the curb. “No! Five pounds!” He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hоокеr became a daily occurrence. He’d run by and she’d yell, “One hundred and fifty pounds!” He’d yell back, “Five pounds!” One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman’s street corner, Prince Charles realised she’d bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hоокеr. He tried to avoid the рrоsтiтuте’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hоокеr yelled, “See what you get for five pounds, you tight ваsтаrd?!”