Раddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the вlооdy thing up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Раddy, “this is her husband!” Раddy was driving home, drunк as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For gods sake Раddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!” An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.
Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the hеll you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself” Раddy replies.
“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.
“I know” says Раddy “but I couldn’t  breathe”.
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To which the Irishman replies:
“If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the вlооdy boat”
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