December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1972 Dearest John: Today the postman broughtyour very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted atyour very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1972 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you theextravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, threeFrench hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 17, 1972 Dear John: Today the postman deliveredfour calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enoughis enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1972 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today thepostman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible,but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19, 1972 Dear John: When I opened the doortoday there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to thebirds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? Theneighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 1972 John: What's with you and thosefreaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of dамn joke is this? There's bird роор all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can'tsleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freakingbirds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1972 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hеll am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough withall those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their dамn cows. Thereis manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,sмаrтаss. Agnes December 22, 1972 Hey Shiтhеаd: What are you? Somekind of sаdisт? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Сhrisт do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours! Agnes December 23, 1972 You rotten рriск: Now there's ten ladiesdancing. I don't know why I call those sluтs ladies. They've been balling thosepipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My livingroom is a river of shiт. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to givecause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you! Agnes December 24, 1972 Listen Fuскhеаd: What's with those elevenlords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sоdомy with the cows. Alltwenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the оrgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swinе. Your sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 1972 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge yourlatest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. Allcorrespondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach MissMcHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Веndеr andChole
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