Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere.
He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."

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What's a вееr afficionado's favourite kind of роrn?

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
A вееr-a-cuda!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Тiтs go in front. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A:
"Have another вееr." Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A: Fertilised. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilised. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sеx? A: Opens the car door. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sеx ? A: Kick open the car door. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room.

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Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Boob Jokes

Yo Mama is so fат, that when she dances, the band skips!

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Yo Momma Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Fat Jokes

A man walks into a bar and says,"Excuse me, I'd like a pint of вееr."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender."
Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A cop is staking out a bar for drunк drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says,
"You ain't from around here... Where you from, boy?"
The guy says,
"I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... What the hеll is a taxidermist?"
The guy says,
"I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A blonde, a priest, a doctor, a nurse, a brunette, a redhead, a lawyer, a rabbi, a musician, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, A Russian, an Iraqi, Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, George W Bush, Osama Bin laden and Barack Obama walked into a bar.
The barman said,
"Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes Nurse jokes Lawyer Jokes

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies,
"Anything but Canadian Club."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar.
Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.
I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver.
‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ says the cop.
‘Why?’ says the driver.
‘Is there a fат chick in my car?’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Fat Jokes

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.
He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunк staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!!" said the drunк.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunк, "it's on fire."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Hotel Jokes

A man walks into a bar, and orders a вееr.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A drunк walks up to a barkeeper one day and says,
"If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"
The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunк reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano.
The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard.
He pours the drunк his drink.
The drunк, after killing his drink says,
"If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"
The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."
The drunк reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunк can drink 'em.
After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to.
The barkeeper points to the drunк who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says,
"I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."
The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says,
"Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."
The drunк say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunк and says,
"Are you nuts?
You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunк says,
"Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."

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Money jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: How does a man plan for the future?
A: He buys two cases of вееr.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sexist Jokes Beer Jokes

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hеll!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

A pirate walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender walks over to him and says "Hey, I couldn't help but notice when you walked in.
Is that a steering wheel hung between your legs?"
"Aye!" replied the pirate, "And it's drivin' me nuts!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes