Animal Jokes - Page 126

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.

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Animal Jokes

I don't buy fат free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body issues.

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Animal Jokes Fat Jokes

A соw and a pig are watching TV.
Pig: Wanna watch something scary?
Cow: Okay by me.
So the pig changes channel to the Food Network.

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked,
"What is the kitten's name?"
"Demon," I replied.
"Demon? That's an odd name," she said.
"Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway."
I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said,
"Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"
"Yes, it is."
"You really don't like cats, do you?"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

How do you make a monkey cry? Tell him Tarzan swings both ways.

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Animal Jokes

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

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Animal Jokes

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

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Animal Jokes

I phoned my girlfriend and said, “What a day! I accidentally threw the dog’s ball off a cliff.”
“Oh dear,” she said. “Did you have to go down and get it?”
I replied, “Nah. I’ll not need it again anyway.”

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Animal Jokes

It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the соw and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. “How dare you!” she fumed. “For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the соw and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs.” Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

One day a duck went into a hardware store and asked the owner for some duck food. The owner looked at him funny, and said, This is a hardware store and we don’t carry duck food." The next day the duck came back to the hardware store an again asked the owner for some duck food. The owner, disturbed that the duck came back, said, I told you yesterday. This is a hardware store; we do not have any duck food! If you come back and ask for duck food again I will cement your feet in the ground!" So the next say the duck came back again and said, Do you have any cement?"
"No, said the storeowner. Then, the duck said, Do you have any duck food?"

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say “Why won’t this crazy woman shut the hеll up?”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

Just been rejected by my bank for a loan. Apparently they only give money to people who already have lots of money.

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Money jokes Animal Jokes

There was a zoo that had one animal in it, that animal was a dog, it was a shitzu.

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Animal Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said,
"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused and then replied, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Q. What animal has a long nose and a c*nt on it’s back?
A. Police horse.

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Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Pit bull, that's my dog of choice right there. I told my wife about it. I thought pit bulls had, pound for pound, the most crushing power in their jaws of any animal. She watches the Discovery Channel, told me that's not true. No, the animal with the most crushing power? Brazilian land tortoise. Now that may or may not be true, but I've never looked at a turtle and thought, 'We better get out of here.'

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Animal Jokes

What did the giraffe say to the zebra when his mom called him home? Zebra later!

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Animal Jokes

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunк. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse... From one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... Blah blah blah..."
In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah... When I was a young racehorse... From one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..."
Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunк enough so he said,
"I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunк and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."
The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said,
"Isn't that amazing (hic)... A talking greyhound!"

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Animal Jokes

You would think that if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster.
I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.

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Animal Jokes

Why do cowboys need two spurs?
Are they afraid one side of the horse might take off galloping by itself?

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Animal Jokes