Animal Jokes - Page 125

I don't eat food that a dog won't touch. That's my guideline. Try to give tofu to a dog. He goes, 'I don't think so. No.' It's a dog. It licks between its legs and sniffs fire hydrants. If he doesn't like something, I go with that opinion. He's drinking out of the toilet. Find out what he thinks.

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Three men died and were approached by God. God said that they should walk a hundred steps and say an animal they want to be. The first man walked his hundred steps and said tiger. The second man walked his hundred steps and said shark. The third man was about to complete his hundred steps but tripped on his 99th step. He fell and yelled "FUСКING ВULLSНIТ!"

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God Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.
Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say. “Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.’”

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Secretary Jokes

“Mommy,” said the baby polar bear, “am I one hundred percent pure polar bear?”
“Of course you are, son,” said his Daddy, “Why do you ask?”
“’Cause I’m f-f-f-freezing!”

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Animal Jokes

If you told a соw a really funny joke, could she laugh so hard milk would come out her nose?

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Animal Jokes

I was rallying to protest against fox hunting when one of the so called hunters came to me and said "don't knock hunting, until you've tried it dear boy." then smugly walked off.
So, next day i did,
.. his head is now on my wall.

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Animal Jokes

Which bird gives others воnеrs?
Blue тiтs!!!

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Animal Jokes Boob Jokes

Just had the following conversation in a job interview.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: Well, I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death.

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Animal Jokes

I was at the pet store this morning and they had a bin labeled “Bulk Bird Seed.” …. …
…. ….
It didn’t occur to me at the time to see if they had bird seed in those little packets the way they have flowers and tomatoes and peas and carrots. …
….
Just thinking: If they have bird seed packets, I can grow my own bird garden!!!

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Animal Jokes

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.

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Animal Jokes

I don't buy fат free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body issues.

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Animal Jokes Fat Jokes

A соw and a pig are watching TV.
Pig: Wanna watch something scary?
Cow: Okay by me.
So the pig changes channel to the Food Network.

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked,
"What is the kitten's name?"
"Demon," I replied.
"Demon? That's an odd name," she said.
"Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway."
I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said,
"Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"
"Yes, it is."
"You really don't like cats, do you?"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

How do you make a monkey cry? Tell him Tarzan swings both ways.

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Animal Jokes

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

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Animal Jokes

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

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Animal Jokes

I phoned my girlfriend and said, “What a day! I accidentally threw the dog’s ball off a cliff.”
“Oh dear,” she said. “Did you have to go down and get it?”
I replied, “Nah. I’ll not need it again anyway.”

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Animal Jokes

It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the соw and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. “How dare you!” she fumed. “For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the соw and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs.” Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

One day a duck went into a hardware store and asked the owner for some duck food. The owner looked at him funny, and said, This is a hardware store and we don’t carry duck food." The next day the duck came back to the hardware store an again asked the owner for some duck food. The owner, disturbed that the duck came back, said, I told you yesterday. This is a hardware store; we do not have any duck food! If you come back and ask for duck food again I will cement your feet in the ground!" So the next say the duck came back again and said, Do you have any cement?"
"No, said the storeowner. Then, the duck said, Do you have any duck food?"

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say “Why won’t this crazy woman shut the hеll up?”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes