Animal Jokes - Page 127

Once upon a time, there was a man who went to the zoo. He stopped by the gorilla cage. There is a big sign there that says "Do NOT touch the gorilla!" Somehow the man accidentally touched the gorilla.
A few minutes later he goes into his car and drives home. While he drives on the freeway he sees in his rear view mirror the gorilla driving a few feet away from home.
Being scared the man goes to an airport flying from New York to Los Angeles. He looks back on the airplane and there is the same gorilla there.
After he gets off at Los Angeles the guy tries to swim to China. After quite some time he looks back and sure enough the gorilla is also swimming to China.
When he finally reaches China, the man who is out of breath by now. Sitting down he rests for awhile. By now the gorilla is only a few feet away from him.
The guy says to him, "What do you want from me? Why do you keep chasing me?"
The gorilla taps him on the shoulder and says to the man, "Tag! You're it!"

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Wow, I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since Steve Irwin passed
At least he died the way he lived… With animals in his heart.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Animal Jokes

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man, "This donkey has been trained in a very unique way. The only way to make the donkey go is to say Hallelujah, and the only way to make it stop is to say Amen."
The man immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" he shouted. And immediately the donkey began to trot. "Amen!" he shouted again, and the donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great," he said. With Hallelujah he rode off very proud of his purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "STOP!" he blurted, "HALT!" he blurted again. The donkey just kept going, "Oh no, Bible! Church! Please stop!" cried the man.
He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer, "Please, dear God, please make this donkey stop before i go off this mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN!"
The donkey came to an abrupt stop, just one step from the edge of the cliff. After a brief moment to catch his breath, the man joyously said,
"Hallelujah!"

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God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand. "What's that?" asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the situation. The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had for the loan and the frog held out his hand. "Oh," said the manager, "that's a knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan."

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?
At the police station they asked him, “Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this?"
He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”

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Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Just hit a dog with my car on the way home from work. It’s OK though, I stopped the car, picked up the dog and put a suicide note under its paw.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes

Have you ever smelled moth ваlls?
How did you get your nose between those tiny legs?

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Animal Jokes

Put strobe headlights in my car to make the deer run slower.

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Animal Jokes

A frog, a duck, and a skunk went to the movies. The frog and duck were allowed to see it, but the skunk wasn't.
Why?
Because the frog had a greenback, the duck had a bill, but the skunk had only one scent.

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Animal Jokes

New research found that pigeons can actually be taught to read and write.
Once the researchers finished teaching the рigеоn, the first thing it wrote was, “Get a life, man.”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.
"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.
Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked-the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

Friend: Sup bro fight me come one fight me
Me: I would fight you but that would be animal abuse

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well.
He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command. She will be beautiful and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg."
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies,
"What can I get for a rib?"

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God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Some people think we are making great strides in the dissemination of information. They claim the newspaper is useless with news that is at least a day old when we get it.
So, my wife asked me for the newspaper ..
I said, “How backward are you?… The world has progressed so much and you are asking for a newspaper? Here, have my iPad ….
Wife kills the cockroach with the iPad….
I’m eating my words as I take the iPad in for repair….

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News and Politics Jokes Animal Jokes

I ran into my neighbor walking his 2 pit bulls. He told me he was going to the maul.
I hope I heard that correctly.

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Animal Jokes

I’ve just bought a Dalmatian puppy. And I’ve found out, if you join all the dots together with a marker pen…
It doesn’t wash off.

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Animal Jokes

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

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Animal Jokes

My poor kitty bumped her head last night and I think I have to take her to the vet to get a CAT scan, or maybe even a PET scan. She's been showing signs of psychosis. She killed a bird and said,
"The dog made me do it!"

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Animal Jokes

Question: What do you call a dog with no front or back legs?
Answer: He's not going to come -- why waste your time?

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Animal Jokes

Two dogs wearing their finest collars entered a bar.
After ordering they noticed that all the other dogs in the bar were not wearing collars.
That's when they realized they were in a STRAY BAR.

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Animal Jokes