Animal Jokes - Page 128

I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot..
And completely smashed his beehive to bits.

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Animal Jokes

A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?”
“We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language.”

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

A man stands at the bar boasting that he has a dog that is the greatest fighter of all and will beat any dog in a fight and to prove this offers a prize of a $1,000 if his dog can be beaten.
An old man sitting near by says my Terrier will beat your dog no problem!
So the man immediately sets up a fight between the two dogs.
In the ring the two dogs are thrown in and the man's dog growls and starts to bite the other dog with its massive teeth for the terrier to flick itself around and snap the neck of the dog and then devour it whole!
True to his word the man counts out the grand and hands it over saying “just what type of Terrier is that?”
The old man puts the money in his pocket and replies “a long tailed short haired snub nose Terrier or Alligator for short.”

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Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Ever seen an Asian veterinarian? Not going to happen. They'll eat all their patients.

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Animal Jokes

My driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there’s an animal in the road.
You should have seen the look on the copper’s face as I knocked him off his horse.

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Animal Jokes

I have a dilemma. I have to take my dog to the pet psychiatrist but he knows he is not allowed on the couch.

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Animal Jokes

Thank goodness! Testimony from your parrot is not admissible in court.

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Animal Jokes

A man was driving down a country road and he was passed by what seemed to be a chicken that had three legs. The man sped up and followed the chicken, who turned down a long driveway leading to an old farm house. The man pulled up next to the house and out came a farmer, his wife, and their son.
The man said,
"Did you see that, a three legged chicken!"
The farmer replied, "Oh yes, we once had a three legged chicken hatch so we bred it because all of us like to have a chicken leg at dinner and this solves the problem."
The man scratched his head and asked,
"So how does it taste?"
The farmer replied, "Don't know, we ain't caught one yet."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

I went into my local wireless store looking for a solution to a problem.
"I have a horse that I can't seem to get going when I mount him," I told the customer service representative. "Nellie won't listen to my commands, and when she does start moving, it's just a slow, lazy trot."
"I have just what you need for your phone," the rep replied.
"And what would that be?"
"The latest version of the "Giddy-App!"

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Animal Jokes

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. “I’m in love with my horse,” he said .
“But that’s nothing,” replied the shrink. “A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.”
“Ah, but doctor,” the patient replied. “It’s a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.”
“Ahhh!” exclaimed the doc. “What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?”
“Female, of course,” said the dude. “What do you think I am, a faggot??!”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat, and eat, and eat. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fат.
Yup...... I want to be a bear!

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Animal Jokes Fat Jokes

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

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God Jokes Animal Jokes

If Snapchat has taught me anything it's that a lot of you females look better as farm animals.

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Animal Jokes One-Liner Jokes

This little boy was walking to school when he found a frog. He picked the frog up and went to school. When he got to school, he sat the frog up on his desk and his teacher freaked out. "What is that?????” she asked him. "It's a deaf frog, Ma'am", answered the little boy. "What, what, what??? How do you know it is a deaf frog???” screamed the teacher. "I рissеd in his ear and he didn't move", said the boy truthfully. "What, what, what, what do you mean you рissеd in his ear and he didn't move????” she asked in an outrage. "Just like I said, I leaned over, I went PSSSSTTTT, in his ear and he didn't move!"

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School Jokes Animal Jokes

Just last night, I signed up with ‘pig breeders weekly’………
They gave me a free pen

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Animal Jokes

Two "snakes" walking down the street. Oh man I have to ask you something the little one said. What is it? Are we dangerous? The other one said: of course we are, why? Because I just bit myself, replied the little one.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says,
"Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says,
"Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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Animal Jokes

Just heard on the radio that the average swallow flys about 73’000 miles a year across 17 countries without a satnav. Big deal, I travel without a satnav all the time. I think it’s more impressive that they don’t need a passport.

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Animal Jokes

Am I a polar bear?
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son
Polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned
To his father and asked,
"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100%
Polar bear." Why do you ask? I’m Freezing!! replied the his son

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Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

Growing up was rough. Most of the responsibility of taking care of my ever-growing family was put on me. I was in over my head -- Joyce would not leave my side; Carl had eye problems; Betsy lost a leg. Finally, I was like, 'I cannot raise any more stuffed animals. I have no time to myself. It is my body. It is my choice.' Eventually, they all left home to join the Salvation Army.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes