Animal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
This quiz consists of four questions that will tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer:The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
That completes the test!
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you’re a true professional. Wealth awaits you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It’s the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.
Money jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Political Jokes
One day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great!” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
“Hey!” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
“What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.
“Well,” one of them said, “you see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”
This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
“Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shаg them. Go and try it.”
Well, our furry friend spent the rest of the morning sсrеwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
“That was fantastic,” he panted.
“So, are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I’ve had a great time but I can’t.”
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” our friend replied, “but I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.”
Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.
The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiот! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes
Animal Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes
A young couple lived in a town filled with сriме. After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.
"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"
The woman didn't believe the clerk. The clerk said to the dog, "karate a chair." The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to "karate the table," and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home. Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.
"Karate, my behind!" the husband replied sarcastically.
To this very day, he is still in the hospital.
Jokes about Women Animal Jokes
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
“Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks. “Boy,” is the man’s response. “Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there.” An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.
When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on.”
The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog.”
Animal Jokes Men jokes
A man started a new job at a zoo. He was given his first job by the zoo owner - to clean out the large tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species.
While removing some gravel from the tank with his sраdе, he accidently hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything.
The zoo owner did not notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job - to muck out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over familiar and, in an attempt to get them away the man lashed out with his sраdе, killing two chimps. In his panic he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions because lions eat anything.
The zoo owner was pleased with the man’s work and as his final task for the day he asked him to collect honey from the zoo’s beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his sраdе and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing several dozen bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well because lions eat anything.
The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo. He enquired of the existing residents “what’s the food like here?” One of the zoo’s resident lions said, “Oh, it’s great. Only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”
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