Animal Jokes - Page 147

I just wrote an article about the love I always have for my horse. It's entitled, 'I'm Stable; You Live in One.'

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Animal Jokes

Two mice met in the early nineteen-sixties, when manned flights in orbit were as yet in the planning stage. After the usual exchange of pleasantries, one said, “But you look worn out, Michael. What’s the matter?”
Michael shrugged his little shoulders and said, “Life isn’t easy for us scientists, you know. I’m in space research, and those experimental flights in rockets, with the weightlessness and the acceleration and the uncertainty of safe return - Well, it’s hard on one’s nerves.”
“In that case,” said his friend, “why don’t you quit and take a job in some other line of work?”
“That’s easy to say,” said Michael, “but stop and think - Is a job in cancer research any better?”

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

Me: How do you make an animal to talk to you?
Friend: How?
Me: I just did.

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Insult Jokes Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

I got one of those talking dog collars for my chihuahua who I named 'Ding-Bat'. The collar is supposed to tell you what the dog is trying to say.
Ding-Bat would just glare at me and say "merk, merk". I sent the malfunctioning collar back for repair. After two weeks it came back to me in the mail with a note. “Dear Sir, your dog’s collar is in perfect working order. The problem is your dog cannot pronounce his J’s.”

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes

Don’t you just hate it when insects make you late for work in the morning. I’m never gonna high-five a centipede again!

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes

A yellow Labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor, she asks the dog to come back in an hour. The dog agrees and walks out. As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.
"Of course," says the owner, "send him down."
An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.
To which the dog replies,
"What does the circus want with a carpenter?"

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Animal Jokes

To stop King Kong's rampage, the U. S. Army got their top strategists together and came up with a terrific plan.
They built a massive catapult engine, loaded a 1966 Volkswagen in it, and hurled the vehicle directly at the side of the giant ape's head.
In other words, they put abug in his ear.

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Animal Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”
The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”

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Animal Jokes

An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. "This is the вrеаsт of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc." Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence. "Well?" he finally asked,
"What's this?" The waiter replied, "It's a friend of duck."

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

Person: Siri search Funny animals .
I phone:looking for a Rock.
Person: you b*tch.
I phone:calling mom

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Animal Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

I wonder, do birds always plan things, or do they sometimes just wing it?

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Animal Jokes

I took my wife to a dog show last week, she finished in 3rd place.

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Animal Jokes

Two silk worms get into a wrestling match. …
….
…
It ended in a tie.

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Animal Jokes

Man in the circus in the Lions cage, says to the audience “i can make this Lion suск my соск”. The Lions growling, the man takes out his соск then hits the lion over the head with a stick, the Lion stops growling opens his mouth and starts suскing the mans соск! The man then turns to the audience and arrogantly says “would anyone else like to try this”? An old woman puts her hand up and says “Yes me, but dont hit me with that stick”,

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

I tried to teach my dog to dance today.
It was useless.
He’s got two left feet.

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Animal Jokes

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette.
Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed.
The parrot, from under the cloth, “Well that was a short fcukin’ day!”

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes

As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.
“What’s wrong with Toby daddy?” My daughter asked.
“It’s an animal sixth sense,” I explained. “They can detect the presence of evil.”
“Is the house haunted?” She shivered.
“No,” I replied, before turning to my wife. “Love! I think your mother’s here already.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

I never talk to our cat, and our cat certainly never talks to me. So I don't know why my wife is compelled to put the cat on the phone when I call home, but I love my wife, so I will talk to the cat.

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Animal Jokes

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks, "Does your dog bite?" the old man replies "No never". When the man bends down to sтrоке the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says,
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!", "I did" replies the old man, "But this isn't my dog!'.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes