Animal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

One fly says to another fly:
"Psst. Hey your man is open!"

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

Yo mama is so dirтy the only words her pet parrot can say is “In my аss, in my аss”!

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Animal Jokes

The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

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Animal Jokes

A young bull and an old bull are at the top of a hill.
There are dozens of cows grazing in the pasture below. The young bull says, “Let’s run down there and ∫cuk the brains out of a соw!”
The old bull says, “No, let’s walk down and ∫cuk the brains out of all of them.”

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Animal Jokes

There are 10 birds sitting on a fence...
If you shoot one down, how many are left?
None, they all flew away!

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Animal Jokes

I’ve just been into my local pet shop.
I said, “How much is that doggy in the window?”
“The one with the waggly tail?” the owner replied, laughing.
“No, the one with three legs. I’ve only got twenty bucks,” I replied.

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Animal Jokes

How do you stop an elephant from going on vacation?
You take his trunk away.

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Animal Jokes

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. …
…
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. …
…
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. …
…
“Daddy, what are those spiders doing?” she asked. …
…
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top?”
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” she asked.
The father’s heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, “No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. “Well, we’re not having any of that gаy shiт in our garden.”

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Animal Jokes

Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!

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Animal Jokes

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy.
‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy.
‘I want вееr, lots and lots of вееr,’ said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy.
‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy.
‘I want вееr, lots and lots of вееr,’ said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy.
‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy.
‘I want вееr, lots and lots of вееr,’ exclaimed the third little piggy.
‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,
‘But why have you only ordered вееr all evening?’
The third piggy says -
‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

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Animal Jokes

What goes Mu-Mu?
A соw that studders.

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Animal Jokes

What does the third mole in the underground tunnel smell?
.
Molasses

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Animal Jokes

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not really," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Hotel Jokes

The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra.

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Animal Jokes

I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.

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Animal Jokes Internet Jokes

What goes Maaaahh?
A scared cow

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Animal Jokes

Careful! Angry dog in the backyard! Please do not crush him.

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Animal Jokes

There were three pigs. The biggest pig went to the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it up and asked where the bathroom is. "Right over there," says the store clerk. Then, the middle pig went to the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it down and asked where the bathroom was too. "Right over there," said the store clerk. Finally, the littlest pig came in the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it all down. The store clerk asked," Aren't you gonna ask where the bathroom is?"
"Nope," said the little pig," Don't u remember I'm the one that wee wees all the way home."

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Animal Jokes

A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it.
He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor asked,
"Why bother me? "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead."
The reverend lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped. "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin."

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Animal Jokes

If you really think about it, a kangaroo is just a mixture of a T-Rex and a deer.

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Animal Jokes