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Animal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

It was a very hot Wednesday here in Florida. Bessie, our Нuмр-Day Camel, stopped dead in her tracks.
I thought I might have to call for a tow truck to get a camel tow, but a camel expert said, “Seeing it’s such a hot day, give ‘er a swift kick in the аrsе.”
So I did. I got up on a ladder and gave Old Bessie a swift boot. She immediately proceeded to pass such an incredible fаrт, I thought I would pass out for lack of Oxygen.
The camel expert said, “Just as expected on a hot day. Vapor lock.”

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Animal Jokes

Squirrels - nature's speed bumps.

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Animal Jokes

My Chinese neighbour told me he’d just opened a “Crows shop”.
I said, “Don’t you mean a clothes shop?”
He said, “A Crows shop!”
I said, “OK, I might pop down for a Rook.”

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Animal Jokes

What do you call a соw with two legs?
Lean Beef!
What do you call a соw with no legs?
Ground Beef!
What do you call it when a соw tries to jump over a barbed wire fence?
Udder Destruction!

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Animal Jokes

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hеll do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to кill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

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Sports Jokes Animal Jokes

Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.

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Animal Jokes

Why is a kangaroo like a pool table?
They both have side pockets!

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Animal Jokes

What do you call an Alligator in Rhythm
An Algorithme

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Animal Jokes

It's never easy putting a pet to sleep. That's why we say things like, 'We decided to put Fluffy out of his misery.' No, what you decided was that Fluffy's company isn't worth $500.

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Animal Jokes

Two bats and a bunny walk into a restaurant and order a round of pizzas. The waiter brings out the order, and when they're finished he says,
"That'll be 68 bucks, guys."
The bunny pays, and the waiter says,
"We don't get a lot of customers like you guys in here, you know."
The bunny says,
"At 68 bucks for three small pizzas, I'm not surprised."

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Animal Jokes

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

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Animal Jokes

Dogs are such smart animals. They're so intelligent because they mark their territory with urinе. They рее on it, they think it's theirs. That's so smart. Imagine if people did that -- the homeless would own everything.

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Animal Jokes

Bear fights can often turn grizzly.

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Animal Jokes

The crocodile walked into a trendy menswear store, approached the assistant and asked,
"Do you have any shirts with pictures of people on the pocket?"

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Animal Jokes

A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that bird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro"

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes

I never know who’s more embarrassed during eye contact while my dog is having a shiт.

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Animal Jokes

Found out today that Рirаnhа fish can totally remove the flesh from a child’s body in under 5 minutes.
On the downside, I’ve now been fired from my job at the aquarium.

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Animal Jokes

I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why? When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?

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Animal Jokes

My wife shouted at me today for forgetting to take the lamb out the freezer. Sadly it couldn’t withstand the freezing temperatures and died after a couple of hours.

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Animal Jokes

A British aquarium claims to have the world’s first vegetarian shark.
Either that or they’re playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.

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Animal Jokes