Aviation Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane.
Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."
The flight attendant smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

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When you're on an airplane and you meet someone whose first name is JACK whatever you do DON'T GREET HIM.
You might get in trouble with the authorities.

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After boarding and taking off for a long flight over the ocean, the speaker comes on with an important message for passengers.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are introducing you today to the latest and newest aviation advancement in history. This plane is flying without a pilot or co-pilot. It is controlled by way of radio from the ground. Sit back and relax and enjoy your flight. Be assured that absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong. ~~~~~~~~~~"

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Flights with Aer Lingus to USA from Dublin for £50.
Use of the toilet £300.

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Why do they have frosted glass on airplane toilet windows?
Who's going to look in at thirty thousand feet!

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A plane is on its final approach into an airport. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Captain Martin. We're now on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, what are you doing today?"
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the captain, "first I'm going to check into the hotel and brush my teeth. Then I'm going to ask the new stewardess out for dinner."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, an elderly lady grabs her by the arm to stop her, leans over and says,
"No need to run, dear, he's gotta brush his teeth first."

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I don't always ride in passenger jets but when I do I buy a first class ticket...
The thing is, flying scares me but in first class they hand out free "bravery beverages"!

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“I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

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The young and not so bright new pilot was learning to fly a helicopter. After two hours of great flying, she crashed.
When asked by crash investigator what happened, she said,
"I got cold so I turned off the fаn."

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As the plane approached the runway for takeoff, the pilot came on the overhead speakers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome! We are third in line for takeoff, but don't worry, I think I can beat'em."

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There is a Rookie Pilot and CoPilot and they are coming in for a landing, the Pilot says,
"Dамn that runway is small give me 1/4 flарs".
As they get closer the Pilot says,
"Dамn that's a small runway, give me 1/2 flарs."
As they're coming in closer the Pilot again says,
"Dамn that's a small Runway Give me Full Flарs."
After they land the Plane safely the Pilot says,
"That's the smallest runway I've ever landed on."
Then the CoPilot says,
"Yes it is, but look it how wide it is."

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Why was Peter Pan banned from using any Airline?
Because if he got on a plane, it would Never-Never-land.

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A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked,
"Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

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A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter.
She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.
She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie...
“Today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

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Two skydivers, Harold and Lester, jumped out of the plane and were having a conversation on the way down.
Lester:
"I was in a hurry this morning, and I can't remember if I asked you to pack my chute for me."
Harold:
"I've been pretty forgetful myself. I'm lucky I remembered to pack mine."
Lester:
"Wait a minute. You mean I forget to ask you to pack my chute for me?"
Harold:
"No, silly. You didn't forget to ask me to pack your chute. I'm the one who actually forgot to pack your chute!"
Lester:
"Phew! Thank goodness, for a minute there I thought I was losing my mind!"

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Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air
Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the
Following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has
Been a terrible mix-up... one minute prior to take-off, by our catering
Service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers
On board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I
Truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is
Kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will
Receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to
Change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

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One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking, "What trip?"

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Arriving at the airport my buddy looked visibly shaken. I asked him, "Are you okay? What's the matter?"
Looking bewildered, he replied, "It'll pass. Every time I have to fly, I get a terminal illness."

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What kind of sandwiches do they serve in the airline lounge?
Club Sandwiches

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Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p. M.," a ticket agent said,
"And arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p. M."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

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