Christmas Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

Oh, by the way – the book I gave you for Christmas must be returned to the library next week.

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Christmas Jokes

What does Santa say when he enters the toy workshop near Christmas?
Alright everybody, sacking time!

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Christmas Jokes

Two idiots roam the woods looking for a nice Christmas tree. After hours of freezing and chasing away the odd wolf, one of the them brings down the axe and says, “OK that’s it. I’m taking the next right-sized tree we see and I don’t give a dime if it’s decorated or not!”

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Christmas Jokes

What keeps falling but never gets hurt?
The snow.

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Christmas Jokes

I heard of a guy who shoplifted an Advent calendar. He got 24 days.

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Christmas Jokes

Dad, and where is Santa from?”
“Well, judging by the majority of the gifts, I’d say he is from China.”

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Christmas Jokes

When the three kings came to visit newborn Jesus, one of them slipped on the straw and twisted his ankle. “Jesus Сhrisт!” he yelled in pain.
Mary looked questioningly at Joseph and said, “That actually sounds a lot better than Chester, doesn’t it?”

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Christmas Jokes

What is the equivalent of a superdeath laser gun for snowmen?
A hairdryer.

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Christmas Jokes

When I was buying our Christmas tree, the cheery seller asked if I’d be putting it up myself.
Disgusting man, I’ll be putting it in our living room of course!

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Christmas Jokes

“Darling, what do you think we should give Granny for Christmas?”
“The most precious thing we have!”
“Oh, what’s that?”
“Our children for babysitting!”
Little Johnny by the Christmas tree:
“And are all these gifts from Santa?”
“Yes Johnny,” beams his mother.
“Oh, so you didn’t get me a dаrn thing again this year, did you.”

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Christmas Jokes

A dog is gazing up at the Christmas tree and sighs with satisfaction, “Oh, my master is the best, as always. What dog can say they’ve had electrical lights installed in their indoor toilet?”

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Christmas Jokes

Dear Santa, this year, I really don’t need you to bring me anything. Actually, could you possibly take away my mother in law?

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Christmas Jokes

“Boss, can I take tomorrow off? My wife really needs help with Christmas cleaning,” asks Joe.
“Are you out of your head, man? I can’t give you a day off for this!” rumbles the boss.
“Oh thanks a lot, boss,” Joe smiles, relieved, “I knew I could rely on you!”

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Christmas Jokes

Christmas is on my mind the whole 12 months before it comes.
It is also on my Visa bill the whole 12 months afterwards.

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Christmas Jokes

Why are there no chimney sweeps in Scotland?
Why pay for something that Santa does regularly for free?

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Christmas Jokes

Billy asks his friend Joe, “Why would you want two sets of trains for Christmas?!”
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“Because I still want to get to play when my dad is home!”

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Christmas Jokes

Cats have it so much better… They have an indoor litterbox all year round. Dogs only get less than a month of living-room Christmas tree.

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Christmas Jokes

So – Santa is this foreign guy with a host of small people who build the toys we give our kids?
Santa must be Chinese.

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Christmas Jokes

What do you get when you make a snowman really, really mad angry?
Frothy the Snowman.

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Christmas Jokes

It’s a good thing Santa doesn’t suffer from dyslexia.
It would be inconvenient to receive a Christmas visit from Sатаn.

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Christmas Jokes