Dark Humor Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

A friend of mine just died. He was 84 years old, died broke. At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless.' I don't know -- to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hеll of a budget.

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Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had sсrеwеd around on her. She proceeded to cut his реnis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window.
The реnis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared."
Her father said,
"Don't worry honey, it was only a bug."
His daughter said,
"Wow, that bug really had a huge d**k!"

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Dark Humor Jokes

I wouldn't go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn't all beat me up -- someone had to hold me down.

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

She had something like 'time out.' It was called 'knock out.'

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Dark Humor Jokes

This one dude in Michigan stabbed a lady in the head 17 times with a spoon. G**dамn, do you know how mad you've got to be at somebody to кill them with a spoon? Now with a spork you can mess somebody up, but a spoon?

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Dark Humor Jokes

What Can A Соw Do That A Woman Can't?
Stand Up To Her Тiтs In Water Without Getting Her Fаnny Wet!

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Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Boob Jokes

All he has to do is take that machine, hook it up to the Clapper, and let those people clap themselves to death. They clap on, but they don't clap off.

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Dark Humor Jokes

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

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Dark Humor Jokes

You have to field some tough questions when you're a parent, though. My kids came back from visiting my grandmother recently, and they're like, 'Dad, does Nana really have to die?' I'm like, 'Well, she did commit a capital сriме. Those are the rules.'

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Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dad Jokes

We're not lazy? We invented the drive-by shooting, ladies and gentlemen. We don't have the common decency to beat someone with a stick or our bare hands. We're gonna shoot them -- but guess what? We're not even gonna get out of the car and do it, for God's sake. We're not even gonna stop the car.

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God Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

You can't be gangster with astigmatism. And I love grimy music, but I can't be a тhug. What am I gonna do -- rob bookstores?

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Dark Humor Jokes

Listen up, girls
Here is a few tips for when you're texting guys:
1. Don't expect a reply every 5 minutes, the average Call of Duty game lasts around 10 minutes.
2. Try to keep the texts short, it gives us a chance to answer you during a кill cam.
3. Utilise nакеd pictures... guys LOVE nакеd pictures

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Dark Humor Jokes

I was almost mugged, but luckily, I had picked up a book on self-defense. Well, I thought it was a book on self-defense, but it turned out to be the 'Kama Sutra,' which is like a lоvемакing book. Yeah, I didn't know that. Let me just say this -- that mugger didn't know what hit him.

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Dark Humor Jokes

Man, no one can рiss you off like the one you love. You ever notice that? Oh, I love my girlfriend, but sometimes I want to grow old with her just to watch her die.

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Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes

Look at the cloud there. It reminds me of my father calling me a failure.

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Dark Humor Jokes

What does a вuм call a dumpster.
Bed and Breakfast.

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Dark Humor Jokes

Let me tell you white girls something that sisters don't want you to know. You know what would кill a black woman? To get beat up by a white girl.

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Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes

When I came home from work, my wife left a letter on the fridge. The note said,"It's not working. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to my mum's place."
I opened the fridge. The light came on. The вееr was cold … what the hеll was she on about?

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

I like elderly people, unless they brag about their age. 'Look at me. I'm 94 years old.'
'Well, good, that means you'll be passing away soon.'

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Dark Humor Jokes

So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.'
'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!'
'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.'
'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the сrар out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

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Dark Humor Jokes