Dark Humor Jokes

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I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

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The blind guy could'nt read. So on his birthday I surprised him with Reading glasses

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The word 'spermicide' sounds like something sperms would do as a last resort. 'I'm not going out there anymore. I can't take it.'

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I was reading in the celebrity obituary column. It said the Guinness Book of World Records' oldest living person had died. Carrie White died at the age of 118 years old. Last line of the obituary said, and I quote, 'Cause of death has not yet been determined.' Let me take a wild stab in the dark on this one -- probably not crib death.

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So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.'
'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!'
'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.'
'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the сrар out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

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I like elderly people, unless they brag about their age. 'Look at me. I'm 94 years old.'
'Well, good, that means you'll be passing away soon.'

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Wife: Why did you come home so early today?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hеll.

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When I came home from work, my wife left a letter on the fridge. The note said,"It's not working. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to my mum's place."
I opened the fridge. The light came on. The вееr was cold … what the hеll was she on about?

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Let me tell you white girls something that sisters don't want you to know. You know what would кill a black woman? To get beat up by a white girl.

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What does a вuм call a dumpster.
Bed and Breakfast.

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Look at the cloud there. It reminds me of my father calling me a failure.

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Man, no one can рiss you off like the one you love. You ever notice that? Oh, I love my girlfriend, but sometimes I want to grow old with her just to watch her die.

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I was almost mugged, but luckily, I had picked up a book on self-defense. Well, I thought it was a book on self-defense, but it turned out to be the 'Kama Sutra,' which is like a lоvемакing book. Yeah, I didn't know that. Let me just say this -- that mugger didn't know what hit him.

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Listen up, girls
Here is a few tips for when you're texting guys:
1. Don't expect a reply every 5 minutes, the average Call of Duty game lasts around 10 minutes.
2. Try to keep the texts short, it gives us a chance to answer you during a кill cam.
3. Utilise nакеd pictures... guys LOVE nакеd pictures

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You can't be gangster with astigmatism. And I love grimy music, but I can't be a тhug. What am I gonna do -- rob bookstores?

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We're not lazy? We invented the drive-by shooting, ladies and gentlemen. We don't have the common decency to beat someone with a stick or our bare hands. We're gonna shoot them -- but guess what? We're not even gonna get out of the car and do it, for God's sake. We're not even gonna stop the car.

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You have to field some tough questions when you're a parent, though. My kids came back from visiting my grandmother recently, and they're like, 'Dad, does Nana really have to die?' I'm like, 'Well, she did commit a capital сriме. Those are the rules.'

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I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

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All he has to do is take that machine, hook it up to the Clapper, and let those people clap themselves to death. They clap on, but they don't clap off.

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What Can A Соw Do That A Woman Can't?
Stand Up To Her Тiтs In Water Without Getting Her Fаnny Wet!

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