Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.

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Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school.
One said,
"I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made."
The second said,
"I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do."
The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor.
"Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night."

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Fedor Emelianenko because he takes Fedor to the vet regularly.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

My wife is so кinкy, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair" I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night.
Woke up with a massive correction.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Patient:
"How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?"
Doctor:
"Fifty rupees."
Patient:
"Fifty ruppes, for only a few second’s work?"
Doctor:
"Well, I will do it very slowly."
Patient:
"How much is for the operation?"
Doctor:
"Rupees on thousand."
Patient:
"But it was a serious one."
Doctor:
"Nonsense. You can’t buy a serious operation for Rupees one Thousand now-a days."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't need health care, everyone in his viewing range does.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Wife orders the husband to go to mother-in-law to pick her up for her doctor's appointment.
The husband drove to mother-in-law's house and saw her busy chattering
With the neighbor's young wife. He came and reminded her of doctor's appointment and ask her to be quick.
The mother-in-law would not give up blabbering to the neighbor so after couple reminders the husband came held her from the arm and drag her to the car saying, "Sorry mom you can't miss your health appointment, I had to do it."
The mother-in-law defended, "You know that woman, she simply would not stop listening to me."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

The town’s local council remarks that the best lawyer in town never made a donation to charity tendency.
To convince him, the mayor calls him in his office:
Sir, I remarked that you’re revenue reached a number of $600.000.
With all these, you never made a donation to the charity...
If you looked into my files, did you also remark that my mother is sick, and the medicaments she needs exceed her funds?
No... answers mayor.
In second place, my brother, war veteran, is condemned in a wheelchair and he’s blind.
The mayor started apologizing, but was interrupted:
And more, my sister died into a car accident and left tree children orphans.
Stunned, the mayor says:
I didn’t know, please accept my apologies...
But the lawyer continues:
I don’t see why I should give you any money, if I don’t ever give them money...

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Military Jokes Lawyer Jokes

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Dad Jokes Love Jokes

A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" The doctor said,
"I know your problem." The blonde asked,
"Is it bad, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby. But let me give it a shot.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said,
"The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."The architect did not agree. He said,
"But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"-

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

“Did you hear about the doctor who was going from full time to part time? He was either losing his patients or getting a bit out of practice.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?How can there be self-help groups?If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to кill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?Is there another word for synonym?Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?Or cat-flavored dog food?Why do they report power outages on TV?Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

At a party of professionals, a Doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The Doctor turned to a Lawyer acquaintance, and asked,
"How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"
"Simple," answered the Lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."
The next day, the Doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the Lawyer.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

I got really love sick the other day working away from home.
Went to the doctors and they said it was chlamydia.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes