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God - Page 29
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At a Catholic school, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd graders. After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria. All the children and parents filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, and some water bottles and juice. As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said,
"Take only one. God is watching."
So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote:
"Take all you want”. God is watching the apples."
One morning a wife told her husband that she had a dream of an angel telling her to wish anything three times will be granted to her on the spot. The husband laughed at her and said,
"Don't be silly dear, nothing like that ever happened" The wife tried to insist that it was not an ordinary dream, it was just like a really angel speaking to her. "OK" said the husband "lets try this one. Lets have our house full of ваlls" Unbelievable, the room was full of ваlls hanging from everywhere, from the roof, the walls and on the floor. "My God" said the husband "I'm very sorry my dear, I shouldn't have ignored you on the first place. But you know, we have left with two more wishes” he continued, "But first lets get rid of these ваlls from the house" Then they started picking the ваlls but whenever they pick one the other comes over. They continued for hours and hours without any success until they all became exhausted. "Listen my dear" said the husband "Since we are left with two wishes, lets use one to clear the ваlls from the house and we will use the remaining one very wisely"
"It is all right, since we have no other choice" replied the angry wife. "Let all the ваlls disappear from our house" wished the man. "Oh Lord!!" cried the man, "look here my wife, my ваlls have also gone" The wife looked at him and said "Don't worry dear, we still have one wish left, just wish for your ваlls to come back!"
One day a man walked into the doctor’s office to find out the results of his annual check up.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush Mr. Smith,” said the doctor, “There is good news and there is bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the bad news first,” replied the man.
“Well,” said the doctor, “the bad news is that you have only 48 hours to live!”
The man suddenly starts to sob uncontrollably and eventually says, “Oh my God, what am I going to do? Is there no cure for what I have?”
“I’m afraid not sir,” replied the doctor, “I’m sorry but you will certainly not last more than 48 hours.”
“But I thought you said there was good news.” asked the man.
“Oh yes,” replied the doctor, “I nearly forgot to tell you! You know the beautiful nurse at reception when you came in?”
“Yes!” replied the man.
“The blonde in the tight white uniform?” asked the doctor.
“Yeah,” replied the man, beaming, “the one with the big t*ts!”
“That’s right,” said the doctor, “The good news is I’m shаgging her!”
20 Things to do Before You Die...
1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "dаrn my snake got loose again".
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.” God replied, “I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things and the work needed is just too intensive. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.” The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
“God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
God replied:
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge…?”
Three Elderly Sisters live in a huge two story house. Martha is upstairs and is going to take a bath. She yells down and asks, "Dorthy, was I getting in the tub or out?"
Dorthy replies,
"You were getting in the tub!"
The second old lady walks up to the foyer stairway and stops. She looks up and then she says,
"Dorthy, was I going upstairs or just coming down?"
Dorthy replies,
"Mary, you were going up stair!" After a slight pause, Dorthy continues, "God Help me." She then knocks on the table twice with her fist and then says,
"Was that the front door or back?"
It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing”, God told the couple, “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability.”
Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly.
It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and рее, oh please…” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to рее.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
“Fine,” God said looking back into His bag of leftovers, “What’s left here? Oh yes, ‘multiple оrgаsмs’ . . .”